The Perks of Being Single During the Holidays

Going solo for the holidays bums a lot of singles out but here are 8 great reasons why being single can be a good thing.

1.      Fewer gifts to buy. The holiday season is a pricey one and without a significant other, you’re giving yourself the gift of one less purchase. It’s been a tough 12 months — why not splurge for that deep tissue massage your back has been asking for all year?

2.      Silent nights and days. Not having to attend uncomfortable or difficult holiday events (i.e. a meet the parents dinner);

3.      More hours of sleep. Not being woken up at an unreasonable hour to open gifts (unless you are a single parent)

4.      Decorate the way you please. Decking your house out for the holidays any which way you want - or not at all. You want more tinsel? You got it!

5.      The chance to meet new loves. There are holiday parties to attend, New Year’s Eve bashes brimming with eligible singles at every corner. Use these social events as your very own holiday dating service.

6.      French kisses under the mistletoe. Kissing someone new under the mistletoe is 100 percent more exciting than kissing the person you kiss every day.

7.      Days of doing whatever the hell you want. The holidays can mean time off from work. Why not travel? Pack up and take an impromptu trip. Though it may feel like it now, it isn’t likely you’ll be alone forever. So use this time to hop on a train and do something spontaneous.

8.      Conversations with family. Cherish this time to peacefully spending time with your own family. No having to decide how to divide up the time between families.

Join the conversation!

Share your favorite things about being happily single during the holidays.

Turkey Day Romance

A lot of people don't believe Thanksgiving is Thanksgiving unless you spend it stuffing yourself silly with food, surrounded by crazy family members.

But why not make this Thanksgiving a wonderful opportunity to spend some quality, romantic time with your partner. If you can, try to skip all the stress this Thanksgiving and plan a special day (or at least a few hours) for just the two of you with one of the ideas that follow.

Cook a meal together for two: Cooking a turkey together with your your partner is filled with sexy opportunities.  You can nuzzle together while preforming cooking tasks like stirring gravy, and take turns feeding each other bites of marshmallows or other dessert ingredients. And of course, sooner or later someone will need to bend over to check the oven (wink wink).

Dine out: For those of you who think cooking is a chore rather than a delight, there’s nothing like enjoying a romantic Thanksgiving dinner out on the town. Simply make a reservation (request a table by the window), show-up and voila! Revel in being served rather than sweating over a stove or washing tons of dishes this holiday.

Stay at a B&B: If you really don't want to choose between which family to spend the holiday with, then get away together. You don't have to go far away.

Go somewhere warm: Or better yet, forget the traditionally chilly Thanksgiving and relax the weekend away, basking in the sun at a tropical get-a-wy. The trees may not change color in Florida or the Caribbean, but there is still a lot of holiday fun to be found there.

Watch the parade: You don’t even need to go anywhere to enjoy a romantic Thanksgiving. Sipping hot chocolate and holding hands together, while watching the Macy’s Day Parade can be just as lovely.

Snuggle in bed: Or don’t even get out of your pj’s! Thanksgiving is one holiday that’s made for sleeping in, so don’t hesitate to ignore that alarm for once. You can always TiVo the parade and watch it later.

Volunteer at a charity organization: For couples in pursuit of the true meaning of Thanksgiving, soup kitchens and charity organizations are always in need of volunteers. There are many needy people eager for a warm meal and friendly smiles.

Go see a movie: End the day by hitting the theaters to see one of the hot Thanksgiving flicks.

Most of all, enjoy each other’s company. That is truly something for which to be thankful. Gobble, gobble!

Twenty Something and Divorced?

You’re in your twenties and you've got a "failed" marriage to your credit. Now what?

The first and obvious questions are, “Why do we make poor relationship choices that are so blatantly (in hindsight) wrong for us? Why do our relationships begin with such deep passion and feelings of connection only to fizzle out in a few years?

Well, there are physiological factors associated with the feelings of “falling in love” that you might not be aware of. So, hold on to your hat (or your socks or undies) because this will explain a lot: The sensations we get when we fall in love are heightened by chemicals and hormones that our bodies release during the “falling in love” stage. It’s what is called “chemistry” and without wise and conscious thinking to balance it, those love chemicals can easily trick us and lead us down the wrong path, with the wrong person.

Falling in love is one’s yearning to belong, to bond and to become a couple. Most people are not consciously aware of what it takes to create a successful relationship and have an idealized vision of love that is based on the media’s version of what love looks like and their own dreams, expectations, and fantasies.  Most people fall in love with the superficial qualities and characteristics of another and don’t focus on key compatibility issues, like whether you have shared values, similar life goals, and the same relationship requirements and needs.

Newly smitten lovers often romanticize their partner, magnifying their qualities and explaining away their flaws. While they often get glimpses of each other’s flaws, they ignore these red flags because they are “high” on love chemicals.

As a newly single person, YOU now have a unique opportunity to take accountability for your life, by getting clear about who you are and what you want and need in order to be happy and fulfilled in a love relationship - BEFORE you actively search for your next ideal life partner. The work you do now will increase your chances of finding a satisfying and long-lasting love relationship. Put in the time and effort that is required, work with a relationship coach, read books on relationships and take relationship workshops - you are definitely worth it!

adapted from David Steele's Conscious Dating Readiness

How To Give Corrective Feedback Effectively and Receive It Graciously

"May I Give You Some Feedback" seems to be the new 'polite' sentence for, "May I criticize you or tell you what you are doing wrong." 

So let me be clear here, - Corrective Feedback is NOT criticism but a way to let people know how effective they are in what they are trying to accomplish, or how they affect you. It provides a way for people to learn how they affect the world around them, and it helps us to become more effective. If we know how other people see us, we can overcome problems in how we communicate and interact with them. Of course, there are two sides to it: giving feedback, and receiving it.

Giving Feedback

Some people deliver feedback with relish; after all, it's easier to give advice than take it. Some use feedback as a weapon, or offer it as tit-for-tat. For others, feedback is a great way to be critical.

How you deliver feedback is as important as how you accept it, because it can be experienced in a very negative way. To be effective you must be tuned in, sensitive, and honest when giving feedback. Just as there are positive and negative approaches to accepting feedback, so too are there ineffective and effective ways to give it.

Ineffective/Negative Delivery

• Attacking: hard hitting and aggressive, focusing on the weaknesses of the other person.
• Indirect: feedback is vague and issues hinted at rather than addressed directly.
• Insensitive: little concern for the needs of the other person.
• Disrespectful: feedback is demeaning, bordering on insulting.
• Judgmental: feedback is evaluative, judging personality rather than behavior.
• General: aimed at broad issues which cannot be easily defined.
• Poor timing: given long after the prompting event, or at the worst possible time or in front of a group.
• Impulsive: given thoughtlessly, with little regard for the consequences.
• Selfish: feedback meets the giver's needs, rather than the needs of the other person.

Effective/Positive Delivery

• Supportive: delivered in a non-threatening and encouraging manner.
• Direct: the focus of the feedback is clearly stated.
• Sensitive: delivered with sensitivity to the needs of the other person.
• Considerate: feedback is intended to not insult or demean.
• Descriptive: focuses on behavior that can be changed, rather than personality.
• Specific: feedback is focused on specific behaviors or events.
• Healthy timing: given as close to the prompting event as possible and at an opportune time.
• Thoughtful: well considered rather than impulsive.
• Helpful: feedback is intended to be of value to the other person.

So, where do you fall when giving Corrective Feedback constructively? Think of times you've felt you were treat unjustly and how that effected you, Let those memories motivate you to do your homework before giving feedback.

Getting Feedback

The other end of feedback is getting it. Some people experience feedback as pure criticism and don't want to hear it. Others see it as spiritually crushing; a confirmation of their worthlessness. Still others only want to hear praise, but nothing that might suggest imperfection.

That's not the case for everyone, of course. Some people are willing to accept feedback and seek it out, even if it is sometimes disturbing, because they believe they can grow from it. It comes down to whether you believe feedback will harm you or benefit you.

This is not to say that we should always have to accept feedback or the manner in which it is sometimes given. We all have the right to refuse feedback, and we can expect feedback to be given in a respectful and supportive manner. But for every positive and open way of accepting feedback, there's an opposite; a negative and closed manner which pushes feedback away and keeps it at bay.

Negative/Closed Style

• Defensive: defends personal actions, frequently objects to feedback given.
• Attacking: verbally attacks the feedback giver, and turns the table.
• Denies: refutes the accuracy or fairness of the feedback.
• Disrespectful: devalues the speaker, what the speaker is saying, or the speaker's right to give feedback.
• Closed: ignores the feedback, listening blankly without interest.
• Inactive listening: makes no attempt to "hear" or understand the meaning of the feedback.
• Rationalizing: finds explanations for the feedback that dissolve any personal responsibility.
• Patronizing: listens, but shows little interest.
• Superficial: listens and agrees, but gives the impression that the feedback will have little actual effect.

Positive/Open Style

• Open: listens without frequent interruption or objections.
• Responsive: willing to hear what's being said without turning the table.
• Accepting: accepts the feedback, without denial.
• Respectful: recognizes the value of what is being said and the speaker's right to say it.
• Engaged: interacts appropriately with the speaker, asking for clarification when needed.
• Active listening: listens carefully and tries to understand the meaning of the feedback.
• Thoughtful: tries to understand the personal behavior that has led to the feedback.
• Interested: is genuinely interested in getting feedback.
• Sincere: genuinely wants to make personal changes if appropriate.

How tough is it for you to receive Corrective Feedback?  Do you need to work on receiving better?

adapted from:Phil Rich, Ed.D., MSW, DCSW author and Clinical Director of the Stetson School.

Turn Your Squabbles Around in 10 Seconds or Less

You are in a disagreement with your loved one. No matter what either of you say, it’s not getting better the fight is escalating. What if in the middle of your tiff you held up a card that said;


“Talk to me like I’m someone you love.”

That’s the idea behind a book Talk to Me Like I’m Someone You Love, by therapist Nancy Dreyfus. She also designed flash cards with phrases to stop any fight. You simply hold up the card that expresses what you are feeling.

These small gestures can speak a thousand words and are especially helpful for couples who tend to bicker.

Nancy says it very well: “I created Talk to Me Like I’m Someone You Love for couples to transform unproductive, mean or just plain crummy interactions into moments of connection.”

While this book is intended largely for adult intimate relationships, this message is so on-point, wholesome and reparative; I strongly recommend showing it to just about anyone who is old enough to read it.

The book and flash cards may be just what you need to change the direction of your conversations.

Lost That Lovin' Feeling? - There's hope you can bring it back and learn to love your partner again

Is your marriage a mess?
Don’t despair. Research shows us we can learn to love our partners again after we think we’ve fallen out of love. And that couples that stick it out end up being happy in the long run,” says Dr. Scott Haltzman, clinical assistant professor at Brown University department of Psychiatry and Human Behavior.

But you have to put the work in. Sticking it out can be tough –- especially when there’s often a lack of relationship skills to boost staying power.

And it doesn’t help that marriage is injected with the hopes and aspirations promoted by Hollywood, and expectations are so high as to what marriage will bring - or what it will not bring, like arguments. People often view their marriages as failing when, in all probability, they are quite normal. I mean, Love is never having to say I’m sorry. Give me a break! I must say it once a week -- on a good week.

So take hope. If your relationship is taking a beating, maybe your expectations are too high. People expect their partner to make them happy, but don’t do what’s needed to nurture their relationships themselves.

Tips to make your relationship work

Need a relationship rescue? Well, here are five essential ingredients for making it work:

1. Empathy: the ability to see things through your partner’s perspective. So many arguments start from hurt feelings, and the belief that your partner’s actions were intended, either by ignorance or by intent, to harm you. But if you stop for a moment and try to see how they might see things, and what motivated them to do the things they do, then you’d feel less contemptuous, and more understanding.
2. Listening: Most people listen long enough to hear what they think is what their partner wants to say, and then jump in with an answer. That’s not listening! That’s debating.
   
   When there’s disagreement or conflict, talking is less about sharing ideas as it is being able to feel heard about whatever problem may be interfering with the happiness of the person who is speaking. Men in particular in inclined to want to jump in and fix the problem - but real listening doesn’t require an answer; it requires acknowledgment and the ability to make the person feel heard.
3. Putting your partner first: When we dated all we could think about was the things that we could do to make our partner happy - That shouldn’t change when you get married. Putting your partner’s needs first can bring both of you happiness.
4. Excitement: Studies show us that we bond better when we share new and exciting experiences. Doing the same ol’ same ol’ generates boredom in marriages, and lowers feeling of love. For people who choose commitment, they have to learn to spice up their marriage with different activities and interests.” It’s worth the effort.
5. Patience: You’re both gonna mess up! Marriage requires a life change for newlywed couples, but that change doesn’t come all at once. Even along the way, one or another partner will make a mistake. Don’t expect change to come over night.

Don’t Settle For Less: Say No To What You Don’t Want

"Having what you want in your life is largely a function of learning to say no to what you don't want." It's the Universe's way of checking in with us. Do you really want what you want? Or will you say yes to less?

Too often people seem to be scared by saying “No”. The fear of rejection overcomes the desire of authenticity. It's even harder when what's in front of us is almost what we want but not quite. We think a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush. We doubt that what we want actually exists in its wholeness, and we do the settle-for-less dance.

This date is perfect except that they were 15 minutes late to pick me up. This guy is perfect except he’s got a hot temper. This woman is perfect except she’s always complaining and negative.

• Do you want someone who's on time? Say no to the one who isn't!

• Do you want guy who stays calm in the face of conflict? Say no to the one who isn't!

• Do you want a woman who has a positive attitude? Say no to the one who doesn’t!

How many of you are spending time with somebody that’s not quite what you want. Are you just kind of passing the time away with that person because you’re afraid to say “NO”?

How To Read Someone You Are Into

If you are single and looking for love, here is a fact that might surprise you. Ninety percent of what you say to the people you meet is non-verbal. Very often we give clues and signals to those we are attracted to without even realizing it.

Being able to read body language can give you clues as to whether someone has a romantic interest in you or not. By accurately reading their body language you will be able to determine if the other person is feeling comfortable around you and eager to get to know you better.

1. How close a person stands to you can be one of the most important body language clues to whether someone is interested in you romantically or not. Their proximity to you can be directly proportional to their romantic interest in you. In other words the closer they stand to you the more interested they are in you romantically and the farther they stand away from you the less interested they are in pursuing a romance with you.

2. When a person crosses their arms, it may mean any of the following:

a) When You're Talking - They may not agree with what you said, and may be doubting or suspecting you. They may have a bad impression of you and may not wish to continue talking with you. It may also depict arrogance or defensiveness.

b) When Their Talking - They may be hiding something from you, or may even be lying. A person engages in this protective posture when they feel anxious or nervous.

c) They might just be feeling cold.


3. Body positioning can also be a form of body language that can either convey romantic interest or disinterest. When speaking to someone, if their body and particularly their torso is turned towards you and leaning closer to you this is an indication of romantic interest. This body positioning leaves you unguarded and vulnerable which indicates trust in the other person.

4. Your eyes often send body language messages to those around you letting them know whether or not you are interested in them. When you have a romantic interest in someone you make eye contact and also blink often. Both of these signals let the other person know that you are attracted to them by conveying the message that you are interested in what they have to say.

Avoiding eye contact lets a person know that you are not comfortable with them and that you do not have a romantic interest in them.

Remember that it may take some time to really read people in this way. Also remember that as you are looking for signs of attraction to be aware of the signals that you are sending out as well. Keep in mind that this is not an exact science. The general idea is to look for many signs together to give you a clearer picture of a person's interest or intentions.

What Are Your Relationships Saying About You?

Do you find yourself attracting the same relationship issues into your life? Your life and relationships are a perfectly polished mirror for what is in your sub consciousness.

Mirror, mirror...

If you ask your mirror the questions, "What are my best attributes?" or "What are my flaws?" there's a limitation to the accuracy of your reflection. After all it's just you - evaluating you. But, if you take the same approach and incorporate relationships into your evaluation, patterns will emerge - and the picture is likely to become much more complete.

One concept having to do with this is, "When you don't like something in someone else, it's reflecting something within yourself that you don't like." You might have heard about this principle, and wondered about it, as I have. How could it be? I didn't like people who are liars or super into themselves. Did that mean that somehow I was being that way? Try as I might, I couldn't see that in myself. It has taken me many years of observation and contemplation before I have finally made some sense out of it.

Whenever you don't like a trait in someone else, it's usually reflecting something within you that you've concealed from yourself. It also may be that you recognize the potential for that trait within yourself, and don't like it. You don't have to act on those attributes you don't like. But when you find out how the qualities you dislike are expressing in you, and accept them, the energy around them melts away. You no longer have to attract people who are reflecting the parts of you that you've masked.

The Universe simply sent these relationship issues into your life as sign posts to teach you to accept yourself. All of yourself. The Universe accepts you unconditionally as you are. Wouldn't you want to accept yourself as much as the Universe does? This is a very empowering realization.

The Flake Filter - How to Flake Proof Your Date

It can be extremely aggravating when dealing with flakes. You know what I'm talking about: the "no-show" flakes, or the promising first couple of dates that lead nowhere?

Don’t worry, it happens to each and every one of us. We meet a wo/man, who seems into us, and then, just as we are about to reciprocate they FLAKE. Ugh… our hearts drop. What happened? What went wrong? There is no fail-safe method to preventing this, but there are some tried and true tips to help stave-off the dreaded flake out.

Here we go.

1. S/he asks you out and does not follow through within a reasonable amount of time. There is not much point in asking someone out and not taking action for several weeks. You can expect this kind of behavior in the future.

2. S/he says they'll call and doesn't. If you don't enjoy repeatedly waiting for the phone to ring why put up with it?

3. S/he comes on strong and then as fast as they came on they’re gone. Don’t waste your time with someone who is waffling you deserve to have someone that’s consistent.

When you meet someone you find appealing, always keep in mind that chemistry is simply one element in your assessment process to help determine whether they are partner material. Don’t compromise your values with flakes when dating, apply the 50/50 rule:

• Equally Interested

• Equally Engaged

• Equally Giving

• Equally Attracted

• Equally Concerned About the Growth of the Relationship

In a new relationship there is absolutely no reason to compromise and cross the 50% line. Remember you are the “chooser.” Bring reason into the equation. Take things slow and steady. A relationship is not a race, and indeed running this race too quickly may mean starting all over again because you didn’t take the necessary time to thoroughly screen your partner.

Your ideal partner is your equal and should not be idealized or put on a pedestal. You deserve an amazing mate. Don’t forget it. And don’t forget how amazing you are, with all you have to offer a partner.

Do You Struggle With Being Angry?

Have you ever been angry about something that someone did, said or didn’t do? Most likely, you feel that person has done something wrong or is just plain wrong.

When we feel angry, three things are happening. 1) We are upset because we are not getting OUR NEEDS MET. 2) We are BLAMING someone else for not getting what we want. 3) We are about to speak or act in such a way that will almost guarantee we will not get what we need.

Statements from an angry spouse such as: "You’re never home!" "You’re always working!" "You spend way too much time with your friends!" imply wrongness.  Keep in mind that other people's actions can never "make" you feel any certain way. Feelings are your warning indicators. Your feelings always result from whether or not your needs are being met. Anger results from focusing your attention on what another person "should" or "shouldn't" do and judging them as "wrong" or "bad."

Stop Blaming and Start Getting Your Needs Met

When you're angry you are likely to have "blame thinking" going on in your head. Inside of "blame thinking" you have emotions and these are caused by unmet needs. When you can get conscious of your "blame statement" you can begin to explore your feelings and use these feelings to get clear about which of your needs are going unmet.

It helps to remember that you can make life enjoyable for yourself and others if you focus your attention on what you need and put aside any ideas of the other as "wrong" or images of them as the "enemy." Make it your goal to attend to your underlying needs and to aim for a resolution.

When your feelings have served their purpose – when your attention is fully focused on your needs and values – then anger melts away.

Ask For What You Need

The beauty of being able to correctly interpret your angry feelings as warning signals is that once you discover what you need, you are back in a powerful position to act toward getting your need met! Instead of throwing out accusations clearly state what it is you need.  "I realize I need more companionship than I'm getting." "Would you be willing to agree to spend every Tuesday and Saturday evening with me?"

Give it a whirl. I'd love to hear what your outcome is. 

Adapted from Center for Nonviolent Communication   www.cnvc.org

How to Write the Perfect On-Line Dating Profile

Your online dating success is partly dependent on your ability to capture the interest and imagination of others through the words you write. While the task of writing a good online dating profile may be daunting for many people, it just takes a little time, effort, and know-how.

Here are some tricks of the trade to get noticed by the people you want, while weeding out the ones you don't:

REMEMBER: A good online dating profile should describe you (40%); the person you want (40%); and the relationship you want (20%)

1. Make the ad unique. Most people stick to generalizations: "I like reading, I love going to the movies or I have a pet". To set yourself apart, reword your ad so it gives out something more, such as "I enjoy Stephen King and Shakespeare, I could watch comedies all day or my dog is my favorite guy". Not only do these little details say a lot more about your personality, but also make you more interesting to the reader.

2. Spell out what you want. Saying you’re looking for a “nice guy” could mean almost anything. Instead, explain what that means to you: a guy who loves cats, who is nice to waiters or who would call just to ask if you got home safe. If career, ambition or a love for the outdoors are important to you, say that too.

3. Don’t Fret About Your Past Dates. Here’s another good writing tip to remember: don’t go on endlessly about your last relationship. It simply smacks of either desperation or bitterness. If your online dating profile suggests you’re still living in the past instead of looking to the future, other members will ignore you in droves. Baggage is so unattractive unless you’re going on vacation.

4. A Picture Tells a Thousand Words. A picture greatly increases your prospects. Many people simply don’t respond to profiles without one – would you? Be open and post a CURRENT and good picture of yourself. Don’t worry that someone you know will see it– after all, the only way they would see it is if they too are looking for someone online!

5. The Headline. Always remember this: The headline is the most important element of your personal ad. It's your first written contact. So make it count.

And to prove how important the headline is, studies have shown you have three seconds to capture the attention with your headline. If it's boring, he/she won't click on it, and they'll move on to the next one.

6. Update and keep it current. You don’t need to rewrite your entire profile each week, but go ahead and change a few key items like the last movie you saw or book you read. Doing this will also continually move you up to the top of the search list for new online daters new to the system.

In the end, remember to be yourself and let others know what you want. It will save you a lot of time and effort and just might pay off! Good luck!

ARE YOU LISTENING? Keys to Successful Communication

When most people think of communicating, they visualize talking and getting a point across in a clear, effective manner. Speaking or writing to communicate a message is only part of effective communication. The complementary part of communication is listening.

Poor listeners, underdeveloped listeners, are frequently unable to separate their own needs and interests from those of others. Everything they hear comes with an automatic bias: How does this affect me? What can I say next to get things my way? Poor listeners are more likely to interrupt: either they have already jumped to conclusions about what you are saying, or it is just of no interest to them. They attend to the surface of the words rather than listening or clarifying what’s “between the lines.” When they speak, they are typically in one of two modes. Either they are "downloading"—regurgitating information and pre-formed opinions—or they are in debate mode, waiting for the first sign that you don’t think like them so they can jump in to set you straight.

Deep Listening involves listening, from a deep, receptive, and caring place in oneself. It is listening that is generous, empathic, supportive, accurate, and trusting. Trust here does not imply agreement, but the trust that whatever others say, regardless of how well or poorly it is said, comes from something true in their experience. Deep Listening is an ongoing practice of suspending self-oriented, reactive thinking and opening one’s awareness to the unknown.

Discover deep listening

Start with your next conversation: Notice when your mind moves into distracting thoughts, judgments, memories, or interpretations; when you want to say something; when you're trying hard to listen; or when anything takes you out of the moment. Don't judge yourself, feel guilty, or try to figure out why you weren't listening or for how long--just acknowledge it, let it go and gently bring yourself back to listening.

Here are three more tips:

Have a quiet mind. Relax and let yourself melt into that place where you can just be in the present.
Have a genuine sense of interest: What is it about this person that I really want to know?
Be aware of the feeling between you and the other person. If it's heading toward judgment, irritation or impatience, then you've moved out of the moment and out of deep listening. Bring your awareness back to the feeling of genuine interest in the other person.
Deep listening offers the following benefits.
It's calming. It enables us to step outside our problems and clear our minds of personal thoughts. In a sense, it's like meditation--the goal is to let go of thoughts, just let them drift away.
It leads to feelings of connection, caring and compassion. Deep listening allows for a heart-to-heart connection. We more accurately hear what another person is saying--not just the words, but the intent of the words. Seeing past the defenses and external behavior, we experience the other person's true self and discover that it's not unlike ours. This feeling of unity, of non-separation, is the wellspring of compassion.
It helps us to communicate. Deep listening creates true understanding. If people can communicate, they can begin to live and work together more harmoniously, uniting hearts and minds. And that leads to cooperation, and connected relationships.

A LESSON IN LOVING – DEVELOPING RELATIONSHIP SKILLS

The thought of having a relationship is exciting, isn't it? Falling in love, romantic dinners, and passionate sex.  

If you’re like me I really thought that simply being in love was all it took to make a relationship last forever.  But what I’ve gradually learned over the last 3 years is that maintaining a happy fulfilling long-term relationship requires certain skills. 

The same situation exists for millions of other people who start out deeply in love and over time, the love they once shared gradually disappears.  It is so sad that we spend our entire lives getting an education in all kinds of other subjects, except in the one area of our lives that has so much impact and importance – relationships.

Knowing what I know now, I understand the reason why the majority of people who fall in love and then start a relationship usually end in disaster.  From my training & research, one of the variables you can do something about is the process of learning the Dynamics of Relationship Skills &Management.  These are learned skills. 

Anybody with desire, commitment and the unending willingness to learn can master this art and science:

• SELF OWNERSHIP - If partners are willing to assume ownership of their feelings and behaviors, a strong healthy foundation is created. If either partner feels bad, they are willing to embrace that feeling as THEIRS, and will communicate that feeling to the other partner as an "I" message. such as, " I am tired, angry, etc."

• GOOD LISTENING BEHAVIOR - Good listening creates an atmosphere of mutuality, respect, self-control, and communication simplicity. In relationships, good listening requires clearing one's mind and hearing the other's utterances with- out any inner clutter.

• EFFECTIVE NEEDS NEGOTIATION - Each partner has their own needs that inevitably will differ from the other partner. This occurs even in highly compatible relationships. Effectiveness in gratifying these needs differences involves the old-fashioned art of compromise. Compromise allows each partner's needs to be gratified in a smaller or postponed measure for the good of maintaining relationship harmony.

• ABILITY TO STAY IN THE PRESENT MOMENT - One of the biggest sources of relationship difficulty is the inability to stay in the present moment. Distortions in the communications process are often caused by the listener contaminating the process with their inner historical issues. Problems they encountered in past relationships influence their behavior with their current partner.

• TOLERANCE OF DIFFERENCES - Any difference between two people is a potential for conflict. Conflict breaks out when needs negotiation fail and tolerance is absent. No two people are alike, even the highly compatible. The most functional relationships strive to neutralize as many incompatibilities between the partners as possible, compromising the differences when possible, and tolerating the differences when not.

• ON GOOD BEHAVIOR FOREVER - A garden needs sunlight, water, nutrients, and bug maintenance, and so do relationships! Often people get the crazy idea that relationships are self- maintaining, and without the necessary active, ongoing care, the garden-relationship withers and dies. We should always be on good behavior in our relationships. Why would we not be! The sunlight, water, and nutrients of good behavior are tact, politeness, and gratitude.
  
  *Tact means thinking about our words and behavior before they are "released" by us; particularly how it will affect our partner.

* Politeness refers somewhat differently to the formal respect and importance we give to our partner, such as please, and thank you.

* Gratitude is an attitude that expresses our appreciation not just for our partner's efforts, but particularly for who they are, and for the radiance they bring to the relationship. Politeness is saying "thank you"; gratitude is being thankful.

• GOLDEN SILENCE - In deep relationships, words are often essential, but at times, words can be COUNTERPRODUCTIVE. The times when Golden Silence should prevail is when words and facts will cause the partner to suffer, and also times when silence can be used to prevent the upward spiraling of conflict, such as a "time out". Silence, however, should never be used as a weapon of chilly anger, withdrawal, or rejection.

• NON-REACTIVITY - Non-reactivity is a special relationship skill that is dependent on one's temperament, communication style, frustration tolerance, listening ability, insight, and humility. It is a challenging skill for some people to develop. Partners who are competitive, immature, litigious, aggressive, or addicted to being "right" are at the highest risk for reactivity. This skill needs ongoing monitoring and perfection, so calmness versus conflict will prevail.

• ABILITY TO INTERNALIZE AND WORK THROUGH CONFLICT - When we are able to solve our problems internally, we sometimes feel some personal discomfort, but we avoid the potentially greater discomfort of drawing our partner into a problem that may be entirely our own. This can create considerable simplicity, when it is either unnecessary or nonproductive to involve our partner in personal conflict resolution. For instance endlessly coming home to someone and complaining repeatedly about the same problem without fixing it can cause eventual damage.

• READINESS TO PROVIDE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT - Firm relationships are maintained when it is clear to both parties that each person is committed to providing the interventions needed to help the other when necessary and appropriate. This indicates active caring that increases comfort and safety between people.

• SENSITIVITY TO PARTNER'S FEELINGS - Sensitivity to the other partner's feelings provides emotional support, but is a far more ongoing state NOT CONTINGENT on a problem situation, but rather a demonstration and commitment because of the other person's importance to us.

A successful relationship is the fruit of caring attention, but don't be hard on yourself when falling short of your ideals. Practice makes perfect...

Best of luck!

adapted from the Relationship Handbook by Jan Maizler, MSW, LCSW

To Take It Personally Or Not?

How many reactions do you have a day about other people’s behaviors, words or actions?  I know  I can spend way too much time telling myself stories about what other people say and do.  What about you?  Do you spend a lot of time judging and talking about other’s behaviors?

When we take what others do seriously, we are agreeing with their perception or behavior. It’s a choice we each make every day whether to focus on the positive or negative actions of others. 

Because this is easier said then done I'll share with you the four strategies I use to NOT take things personally:

1. Give the benefit of the doubt. If you have a habit of taking things personally, it means that you're apt to assume someone is directing some form of aggression towards you specifically, when they might be just joking around, or having a bad day. It might be your instinct to react, or curl up into a ball emotionally, but pause for a second. Maybe it's not about you. Learn how to gain control of your emotions.

2. Refocus your attention. When you take things personally, you shift your attention from what they said or did to how you feel. Unless you move on from that point, it's likely that you'll ruminate, and the negative feeling will be amplified. Instead, focus again on the other person.

• Look at how the person treats others. They might tease, pick on, or even insult everyone they cross paths with. Some people are just antagonistic like that.
• Consider their insecurities. Could they feel threatened by you in some way? If so, don't feel bad for being your awesome self. Think about how you can help this person feel better about themselves.
• Keep in mind that the other person probably has poor communication and emotional management skills. Imagine that there's an inner child acting out, because the person hasn't learned how to deal with things in a mature way. It's much easier to be patient and feel compassionate when you visualize a learning child at the helm of their behavior.

3. Remind yourself that you don't need anyone's approval. If you're especially sensitive to people's behavior towards you, to the extent that you regularly overreact, it might be because you've got a strong radar for rejection. If you pick up on any kind of displeasure, you worry that you're doing something wrong, and you want to fix it eagerly. But just because someone isn't happy with you doesn't mean you've done something wrong. In many cases, it means that person isn't happy with themselves, and expects you to fill in the blanks (which is impossible).

4. Stop taking compliments personally, too. If you base your self-worth on how much people compliment and validate you, then you're basically allowing others to decide how you feel about yourself. If someone compliments you, it's no more personal than a direct insult. They're simply calling it how they see it, and that may or may not be accurate--only you can be the judge of that. So if someone is positive towards you, that doesn't make you a better person, it makes them a better person, because they're taking the time to be supportive and encouraging. Your value, your self-worth remains unchanged, because it's something that comes from within.

When we decide to take personally, what others do to us only adds more stress to our lives.  All that negative energy that we give attention to, when in fact, we do not have any control over. Maybe we think by thinking, talking, discussing or complaining about others, we can change the behavior.  Even if we share our reactions with the other, we have no ability to change it. So why take it personally?  Instead, allow the other person to live with their choices.

When I decided to take the journey towards learning to let go of what others do, I started to relax more and had more energy to live my own life.  Reacting to others takes a lot of energy and I don’t want to give over to others my precious assets – my time and my well-being.

It’s all about choosing what path we want to take in life…

Let me know where you are in your life around what other people do and whether you take it personally. Do you think it’s possible to let go of taking personally what other people do?  

  

It's Summer - Jump Into The Dating Pool!

Looking to spice up your single life a little?, add some romance?... or maybe find that perfect love connection this summer? Cool! - jump in.

But wait, first let me help you avoid the ‘cold water’ shock. Whether you want to dip your toe or dive in all at once, remember, you should take time to prepare yourself BEFORE entering the pool. I want you swim not sink here. So, jot down these vital points

1. Get help.
This is of vital importance as it’s infinitely harder to reach goals solo. There will be days when you need encouragement.  So get a like-minded positive friend to help you or a personal mentor/coach.  Your success rate can only SKYROCKET when you do so.

Here are some things a great coach will help you address:

• Getting crystal clear about what you want and what you don’t want.
• Overcoming obstacles or issues that stand in the way of your success.
• Putting together a step-by-step action plan based on your comfort zone.
• Inspiring you, keeping you on track and lifting you up when you are low.
• Providing wisdom to help you get the best out of your dating experience and help you avoid unnecessary pitfalls.

2. There are plenty of fish.
Essential to finding someone to date is your attitude.  If you are coming from a place of lack; 'there's no one to meet', 'all the good ones are taken', then that's exactly what you'll find. REMEMBER - Like attracts Like.  The Law of Attraction suggests that single people can maximize the likelihood of getting what they want in their lives by planting seeds for the future they want.

• Visualize what you want and feel it - experience the emotions as though the vision were REAL!
• Reinforce your positive thoughts and control and stop any negative thoughts.
• Be doubt-free.  All you need to do is expect it.  Act like you already have it.  Be grateful and always expect your desires.

This information has saved people I’ve worked with from wasting precious time with incompatible people, timewasters and bad dates! Following these points will greatly increase your chances of finding a wonderful new partner or friend who suits you in less time.  It may sound a bit technical, but nothing beats a little preparation.

I would love to hear your feedback and any questions you may have. 


Wishing you a warm dive… or a pleasant dip!

If they are stupid enough to walk away, be wise enough to let them go…

You will save yourself a lot of heartache.
You will maintain a sense of dignity.
You will both be better off.

Letting go. It is difficult for us in so many ways and on so many levels (just ask me - it's been a big lesson of mine). Yet, life calls upon us to do it, over and over again. Letting go is part of our growth process. We cannot move on to the new while continuing to cling to the old.

There come times, in the context of love and romance, when we must learn to let go. Maybe the relationship was not meant to be: perhaps it was hurtful to us, or perhaps it was hindering the personal growth of one or both partners. In this case, even when there may still be feelings of passion, or attraction, or just the comfort of the familiar, we must be strong in letting go of something that is unhealthy for us. …

So, how do we do it? Letting go of a relationship involves letting go of:

1. It has to be a clean break. Don’t tell yourself you’re going to call him one last time or give it just one more try. Don’t keep calling up friends and asking them if he’s already seeing someone new or if she’s as depressed as you are. If you are serious about letting go of your relationship you have to carve out a new existence, one that has no room for the old.
   
2. Don’t dwell on what might-have-been. Letting go of a relationship involves recognizing that it was not meant to be and that you have to set new goals and build new dreams. Avoid having unrealistic expectations or hopes that you may get back together. Or that he would change and perhaps become the person you want him to be or your problems will just get sorted out. Realize that the relationship has run its course and it is time to let go.
   
3. Fear. If you want to truly let go of a relationship, you have to forget your apprehensions and worries about being alone and how you’ll cope. And you also have to learn to trust again. Not just someone else but also yourself and your instincts. One, two or even more broken relationships doesn’t mean that we should close ourselves off from loving again.

When you are ready to let go of a relationship and reconcile yourself to keeping the past in the past, you will experience an enormous weight being lifted off your shoulders and a sense of accomplishment (ask me again ;-) that you have come out of the whole experience a much stronger person. Yhea!!!

FOR A DATING LIFE THAT’S FREE FROM DISASTER - GET YOUR DATING INSURANCE PACKAGE

If you want a dating life that's free from disaster, you need to invest in a little insurance. As hurricane victims know, it does no good to buy insurance after the storm has wreaked everything.

Here's 3 ways to get your own dating insurance package together:

1. Be ready. Some folks approach life as if they were jumping into a cold body of water: They squeeze their eyes shut, hold their nose and jump. Who knows if they know how to swim? It's far better to go into dating with your eyes open and your senses sharp. Take some time and review your current situation. What needs attention? Your physical self? Your surroundings? Your fears? Your career? Your relationship skills? Taking care of yourself first will help ensure your future success in love.

2. Get a life. Nothing is more unattractive than someone with nothing to offer. While having space in your life for a partner is important, too much space will seem overwhelming to another. It's not up to a future partner to give you the life you haven't made for yourself. Get out and get active!

3.Enhance your good luck. Many singles are so discouraged about the process of finding love that they can't help but feel unlucky. And most folks feel that there is little they can do to influence Lady Luck. But research has found that is not so. What you think about comes about - good -- or bad. Taking steps to be the kind of person you want to attract will help you find the best of the best. Above all, expect good fortune in your life. What have you got to lose? More bad luck?

If you are still not sure of your ability to adequately insure yourself from dating failure, why not take advantage of my experience? I want you to get what you say you want: love!

Different relationship - same problems?! What you can do to get out of this rut

Are you baffled that you keep finding yourself having the same type of relationship problems, over and over again, with different partners? For some unknown reason, does every partner not quite have what it takes to give you the love you truly desire? Does every relationship ultimately ends up in the same stale place, missing something essential, or repeating a unhealthy pattern of distance, unavailability, neglect or even abuse?

The lesson is that nothing will change in our lives until we change from the inside out. Our lives are a perpetual treadmill of opportunities for learning, constantly coming our way, again and again, until we heed the call and shift our attitudes, perceptions, feelings and/or behavior. So if you feel stuck on an endless treadmill of unfulfilled relationships, or no relationships at all, look inside for the answers.

Who and what are you attracting into your life? What gratification do you get from reliving these behaviors and feelings over and over again? What needs to shift inside of you before you start getting a different result? What lesson have you not learned yet? What keeps coming up again and again in every relationship, or every attempt at trying to start a relationship? What is the universe trying so hard to tell you, that you just don't understand?

Whenever we get stuck in patterns that we don’t like or that are unhealthy for us, we have to learn how to break the cycle. As the old saying goes, “If you don’t learn from history you will repeat it.” Since we cannot change someone else’s behavior, we must examine our own patterns in picking the wrong person. In doing this, we can begin to conceptualize healthy relationships and hold that as our new standard.

Unhealthy Relationships:
1. We mistake love for physical attraction, neediness and the need to rescue or be rescued. (Examine how your desperation effects your perception)
2. We choose emotionally and physically unavailable people in relationships. (Examine your fear of intimacy)
3. We pick people who treat us poorly by being punishing, critical, controlling or demeaning. (Examine your low self-esteem.)
4. We lose interest in our own personal interests and activities and become enmeshed with the one person and their interests. (Examine your boundaries.)
5. We stay in and return to unhealthy relationships. (Examine your fear of loneliness.)
6. We begin sexual relationships or become emotionally attached without really knowing someone. (Examine your boundaries.)
7. We fantasize about who we think someone is and then are crushed when they fall short of that fantasy. (Examine what is reality vs. fantasy)

Healthy Relationships:
1. When something is wrong we can talk about it.
2. We encourage each other to be better people.
3. Having separate interests and friends isn’t a threat.
4. We can be vulnerable about feelings with some degree of safety.
5. We can handle difficult situations as a team.
6. We both are dedicated to spending quality time with each other.
7. Trust builds through our growing capacity to be honest with one another.

Many of us cannot see our own blind spots in relationships, and need the guidance of others to help us through the darkness. Fortunately, when we are ready to learn, to listen, and to discover the truth about ourselves and our relationships, we have many more options than trial and error.

Do You Have A List of Relationship Non-Negotiables (DEAL BREAKERS)?

You're in a new relationship, and you're starting to see some red flags, warning you that the relationship may not be a sure thing, but does that mean you should leave? How many red flags does it take to make that decision? How do you know if the red flags mean future disaster, or are just a warning? These are tough questions to answer. But if you've identified your red flags, you can begin to get clear about staying or leaving by looking at your negotiables and non-negotiables.

These are the patterns of behavior in the relationship that either you can deal with (negotiable) or you can't (non-negotiable). A negotiable item does not go against your integrity, but a non-negotiable does. For example, if you value honesty in your relationships, and your partner is continually lying to you, that is a non-negotiable. How could you really have a healthy relationship with someone whose very behavior goes against the essence of who you are? If you compromise on this behavior by deciding that sometimes lying is okay, you are cutting into the deepest part of your psyche. Non-negotiables are those issues that you will not compromise on because it goes deeply against your values.

Negotiables are not deal breakers and are those issues that don't cut as deeply. For instance, maybe your partner is messy and you value neatness. However, messiness doesn't cut into your integrity and though it may never change, you could live with it and not feel you've compromised your very essence. It is important to know your negotiables and non-negotiables. That way, you can decipher which of these two categories the red flags fall into.

If in your current relationship most of the red flags are non-negotiables, it will be nearly impossible to have a loving relationship for more than 2-3 months. Our integrity can only be compromised for a short period of time - the honeymoon phase - before we get angry and resentful of our partner.

Use these 3 tips to help you identify your negotiables and non-negotiables:
1. Make a list of issues you know you can compromise on ~ "She's late all the time, but I can live with that."
2. Make a list of issues that you know you can't compromise on. "He says he's going to call me and either doesn't or calls much later than planned. He always has an excuse, and I want someone who keeps their word. I can't see living with this much inconsistency."
3. If you're not sure which category your red flags falls under, ask yourself this question: If this behavior never changed, could I live with it? You have to assume it may never change and that alone should help you determine if it's a negotiable or non-negotiable.

If you know your non-negotiables, there's still the issue of infatuation/love/passion/fantasy that clouds our judgment and overrides our good senses. Sometimes we ignore the signs of disaster and plunge forward anyway. That's just called being human, so don't beat yourself up if this happens. Nevertheless, knowing your negotiables and non-negotiables is important because when the fantasy dies down and you're wondering what happened, you can look at your list as a reminder. This will help you pull back, reevaluate, and have a clearer sense of what to do. The negotiables and non-negotiables are exactly the framework and boundaries needed when trying to decide to stay or leave. It doesn't matter how long you've been involved, the negotiables and non-negotiables are always there to remind us of who we are, what we want, and what we don't want.

Adopted from: Relationship and Conflict Resolution Expert, Sharon M. Rivkin, M.A., M.F.T.,