Do You Struggle With Being Angry?

Have you ever been angry about something that someone did, said or didn’t do? Most likely, you feel that person has done something wrong or is just plain wrong.

When we feel angry, three things are happening. 1) We are upset because we are not getting OUR NEEDS MET. 2) We are BLAMING someone else for not getting what we want. 3) We are about to speak or act in such a way that will almost guarantee we will not get what we need.

Statements from an angry spouse such as: "You’re never home!" "You’re always working!" "You spend way too much time with your friends!" imply wrongness.  Keep in mind that other people's actions can never "make" you feel any certain way. Feelings are your warning indicators. Your feelings always result from whether or not your needs are being met. Anger results from focusing your attention on what another person "should" or "shouldn't" do and judging them as "wrong" or "bad."

Stop Blaming and Start Getting Your Needs Met

When you're angry you are likely to have "blame thinking" going on in your head. Inside of "blame thinking" you have emotions and these are caused by unmet needs. When you can get conscious of your "blame statement" you can begin to explore your feelings and use these feelings to get clear about which of your needs are going unmet.

It helps to remember that you can make life enjoyable for yourself and others if you focus your attention on what you need and put aside any ideas of the other as "wrong" or images of them as the "enemy." Make it your goal to attend to your underlying needs and to aim for a resolution.

When your feelings have served their purpose – when your attention is fully focused on your needs and values – then anger melts away.

Ask For What You Need

The beauty of being able to correctly interpret your angry feelings as warning signals is that once you discover what you need, you are back in a powerful position to act toward getting your need met! Instead of throwing out accusations clearly state what it is you need.  "I realize I need more companionship than I'm getting." "Would you be willing to agree to spend every Tuesday and Saturday evening with me?"

Give it a whirl. I'd love to hear what your outcome is. 

Adapted from Center for Nonviolent Communication   www.cnvc.org