Lost That Lovin' Feeling? - There's hope you can bring it back and learn to love your partner again

Is your marriage a mess?
Don’t despair. Research shows us we can learn to love our partners again after we think we’ve fallen out of love. And that couples that stick it out end up being happy in the long run,” says Dr. Scott Haltzman, clinical assistant professor at Brown University department of Psychiatry and Human Behavior.

But you have to put the work in. Sticking it out can be tough –- especially when there’s often a lack of relationship skills to boost staying power.

And it doesn’t help that marriage is injected with the hopes and aspirations promoted by Hollywood, and expectations are so high as to what marriage will bring - or what it will not bring, like arguments. People often view their marriages as failing when, in all probability, they are quite normal. I mean, Love is never having to say I’m sorry. Give me a break! I must say it once a week -- on a good week.

So take hope. If your relationship is taking a beating, maybe your expectations are too high. People expect their partner to make them happy, but don’t do what’s needed to nurture their relationships themselves.

Tips to make your relationship work

Need a relationship rescue? Well, here are five essential ingredients for making it work:

1. Empathy: the ability to see things through your partner’s perspective. So many arguments start from hurt feelings, and the belief that your partner’s actions were intended, either by ignorance or by intent, to harm you. But if you stop for a moment and try to see how they might see things, and what motivated them to do the things they do, then you’d feel less contemptuous, and more understanding.
2. Listening: Most people listen long enough to hear what they think is what their partner wants to say, and then jump in with an answer. That’s not listening! That’s debating.
   
   When there’s disagreement or conflict, talking is less about sharing ideas as it is being able to feel heard about whatever problem may be interfering with the happiness of the person who is speaking. Men in particular in inclined to want to jump in and fix the problem - but real listening doesn’t require an answer; it requires acknowledgment and the ability to make the person feel heard.
3. Putting your partner first: When we dated all we could think about was the things that we could do to make our partner happy - That shouldn’t change when you get married. Putting your partner’s needs first can bring both of you happiness.
4. Excitement: Studies show us that we bond better when we share new and exciting experiences. Doing the same ol’ same ol’ generates boredom in marriages, and lowers feeling of love. For people who choose commitment, they have to learn to spice up their marriage with different activities and interests.” It’s worth the effort.
5. Patience: You’re both gonna mess up! Marriage requires a life change for newlywed couples, but that change doesn’t come all at once. Even along the way, one or another partner will make a mistake. Don’t expect change to come over night.