Are You In a Mini-Marriage?

The mini-marriage results from acting committed and being exclusive before you are ready for a committed relationship, or doing so with someone whom you don't consider a likely long-term partner choice. We have heard singles humorously refer to this relationship as 'the one-night stand that never left.' People who are not ready for commitment but are in exclusive relationships interfere with their ability to:

• Build the life they really want
• Become ready for the relationship they really want, and
• Attract the partner they really want

Mini-marriages are typically driven by need, fear, and unconsciousness:

• Need for companionship
• Fear of being alone
• Fear that you can't get what you really want
• Lack of awareness of your readiness status and of how to get your social and relationship needs met effectively.

This is like accepting your first job offer, not wanting to pass it up because you need a job, ignoring the red flags and crossing your fingers that it will work out.

Characteristics of a Mini-Marriage include:

• Purpose: to meet physical, social, emotional needs prior to a committed relationship or when commitment is not desired; sometimes to 'test drive' a relationship and see if it is a good long-term choice.
• Focus: meeting short-term needs, unclear about future of relationship
• One or both partners are unsure about the relationship or don't consider it to be a good long-term choice
• One or both partners are not ready for a committed relationship
• Exclusive, appears committed to the observer
• Typically early (even immediate) emotional and physical involvement with few boundaries
• Typically unconscious; partners are unaware of and don't discuss the above

Is It Love or Infatuation?

So many of us become overwhelmed with strong feelings of passion and fascination that we find ourselves in dreadful relationships later. We'll marry in haste or wind up in abusive situations or simply in relationships that do not work out.

There is an emotion that can feel as strong as love (because it involves your hormones!), but it is not love -- it's infatuation. What is infatuation anyway? What's the difference between infatuation and real love? Infatuation is an emotion. Real love is deeper than just emotion. Emotions can't always be trusted. They will change as circumstances around you change. (For example: when you're sick, tired, stressed, fearful, etc.) Love is a commitment to the other person, whether the emotions are there or not.

• Infatuation is love at first sight - fireworks! -bells! Real love takes time. It's a growing experience based on shared interests, beliefs, and attitudes.
• Infatuation only takes. Love gives. Infatuation wants to know "What is in this for me?" Love says, "What can I do for you? How can I help make you a success? How can I meet your needs?"
• Infatuation is insecure. Infatuation gets jealous and unreasonable. Love doesn't. Infatuation fades with time, separation, or change. Love won't.
• Infatuation is fueled by passion and lust. Love runs on respect.
• Love is patient. When you really love someone, you accept them just as they are. Of course, you encourage them to grow, but you love and accept them unconditionally -- no strings attached. Real love allows you to be patient with weaknesses and flaws.
• Love is kind. Love is positive and lifts people up, never pulls them down. Love sees the needs of others, and does what it can to meet those needs. It's never harshly critical.
• Love is not jealous. Remember, love gives, it doesn't take. It wants to share time and attention with others. It allows the one you love the freedom to have other friends and interests apart from you. It's not possessive.
• Love is not boastful. It centers on the other person and not on yourself. If it brags about anything it brags about the one you love. Love keeps you from being full of yourself and keeps you humble. You are proud of your partner and not of yourself for snagging him or her. You realize that person is a gift from God, and not somebody you have earned.
• Love is not rude. Love respects others and shows them courtesy. It demands respect from other people toward the one you love.
• Love does not hold grudges. Love is able to forgive; it doesn't dwell on past failures.
• Love is willing to trust. When you really love someone, you'll believe in them, even when they cannot believe in themselves. Again, because there is no fear in love, you trust that person. You're able to give yourself completely to the relationship.
• Love expects the best. It will always give a person the benefit of the doubt. Real love is positive, not negative. It looks for the best and finds it.
• Love stands its ground in defending the other person. Love is protective (without being jealous), and will continue to love even when it's not returned. Now this is the real thing. If you love someone, you should see the evidence grow and mature over time. Infatuation cannot produce the actions and attitudes of love. No matter how intense the feelings, it's not really love.

Don’t Settle For Less Than You Want - Stay Single!

I don't have a boyfriend for a good reason: Settling just isn't an option.

I've settled for less than I really wanted way too many times in my life, and each time my awareness of just how much of myself I gave up to accept that "OK" relationship was painful.

Now, I'm not going to lie and say it wouldn't be nice to have a boyfriend. I want to fall in love, get married (again)—the whole fairy tale. And every once in a while, I panic, whine, and annoyingly ask my friends, "What if I never meet anyone? (Hey, even the best of us have our moments.) But after I calm down, and stop listening to all the garbage I am telling myself, I remind myself that I don’t need just ANY man in my life to be happy.

So, what's the secret? Simple. Require 100% and not settle for less. Learn to love yourself enough to powerfully go after 100% of what you really want and truly believe that it's possible. Be optimistic, learn from your past and revel in your freedom. I refuse to sacrifice all of the benefits of being single—that is, my happiness—for a guy who isn't worth it.

The Cure For The Valentine's Blues

With its emphasis on love and romance, Valentine’s Day can be a painful reminder that you don’t have that “someone special” with whom to celebrate it with. This year do something about it! Instead of feeling depressed, focus on what you have instead of what you don’t have. Being single is a great opportunity. You have love in your future, so look forward to it! Here are my top tips for singles on Valentine's Day:

1. Have Some Me Time - Valentine’s Day is a great excuse to celebrate YOU. Don’t be cynical just because you are not in a romantic relationship right now. Shower yourself with love, or spend time with someone who loves you unconditionally. - Book a day at the spa and pamper yourself - Indulge in some serious retail therapy – you deserve it! - Get a makeover. Maybe you need is a little bit of a revival? Plan for a new look. Get a haircut, style yourself anew, and change things up.
2. Share The Love - Do something special for a family member or a close friend. - Take grandma for lunch or a pedicure! - Bring your mom a beautiful bunch of flowers. - If you’re a single parent, take your child to a movie and end the evening with a surprise gift bag full of treats, balloons and a Valentine’s teddy bear. - Send your friends Valentine’s Day cards and express how much they mean to you. Share your heartfelt feelings about why you value their friendship. - Organize a dinner with other single friends, or plan a singles Valentine’s bash and go dancing.
3. Develop a ‘Relationship Plan’ -- Valentine’s Day can be the start of your New Year of Love! If you dream of being in a happy romantic relationship, realize it takes commitment, effort and planning. - Identify any ‘baggage’ that will hold you back from having the relationship you truly want. - What are the key areas of your life you need to change before you’ll be ready for a relationship? Perhaps it’s your financial situation, your health and fitness, your emotional or mental state or your work/career life. - Assess your relationship skills. Do you know your relationship deal-breakers? Are you clear about your values and life vision? Do you understand the pitfalls and dating traps that could lead you into the wrong relationship? If you need help, get it from a qualified relationship coach! - Have a positive attitude and be happy in your life and with yourself. Live your life as a successful single – don’t put your life on hold while you wait for your partner to show up.
4. Take Some Risks and Have Some Fun-- Extend your comfort zone to experience things you might not usually do. - Become more approachable – smile and engage in conversation with strangers wherever you are. You’ll be surprised at the positive response and at how good you will feel. Be open to recognizing the opportunities – say yes when you might want to say no. Of course use common sense and be safe! - Take the initiative, but keep it light. If you are interested in someone, invite them out. If making a Valentine's date seems awkward, plan it for the 13th or 15th. - Get involved in new activities; pursue your interests. You never know who you will meet on the way.

Celebrate being single -- this is a wonderful time in your life, so enjoy it and appreciate the great opportunity ahead of you to find your love match. It is your choice about how you approach and react to this special day. Make the most of it!!