How To Give Corrective Feedback Effectively and Receive It Graciously

"May I Give You Some Feedback" seems to be the new 'polite' sentence for, "May I criticize you or tell you what you are doing wrong." 

So let me be clear here, - Corrective Feedback is NOT criticism but a way to let people know how effective they are in what they are trying to accomplish, or how they affect you. It provides a way for people to learn how they affect the world around them, and it helps us to become more effective. If we know how other people see us, we can overcome problems in how we communicate and interact with them. Of course, there are two sides to it: giving feedback, and receiving it.

Giving Feedback

Some people deliver feedback with relish; after all, it's easier to give advice than take it. Some use feedback as a weapon, or offer it as tit-for-tat. For others, feedback is a great way to be critical.

How you deliver feedback is as important as how you accept it, because it can be experienced in a very negative way. To be effective you must be tuned in, sensitive, and honest when giving feedback. Just as there are positive and negative approaches to accepting feedback, so too are there ineffective and effective ways to give it.

Ineffective/Negative Delivery

• Attacking: hard hitting and aggressive, focusing on the weaknesses of the other person.
• Indirect: feedback is vague and issues hinted at rather than addressed directly.
• Insensitive: little concern for the needs of the other person.
• Disrespectful: feedback is demeaning, bordering on insulting.
• Judgmental: feedback is evaluative, judging personality rather than behavior.
• General: aimed at broad issues which cannot be easily defined.
• Poor timing: given long after the prompting event, or at the worst possible time or in front of a group.
• Impulsive: given thoughtlessly, with little regard for the consequences.
• Selfish: feedback meets the giver's needs, rather than the needs of the other person.

Effective/Positive Delivery

• Supportive: delivered in a non-threatening and encouraging manner.
• Direct: the focus of the feedback is clearly stated.
• Sensitive: delivered with sensitivity to the needs of the other person.
• Considerate: feedback is intended to not insult or demean.
• Descriptive: focuses on behavior that can be changed, rather than personality.
• Specific: feedback is focused on specific behaviors or events.
• Healthy timing: given as close to the prompting event as possible and at an opportune time.
• Thoughtful: well considered rather than impulsive.
• Helpful: feedback is intended to be of value to the other person.

So, where do you fall when giving Corrective Feedback constructively? Think of times you've felt you were treat unjustly and how that effected you, Let those memories motivate you to do your homework before giving feedback.

Getting Feedback

The other end of feedback is getting it. Some people experience feedback as pure criticism and don't want to hear it. Others see it as spiritually crushing; a confirmation of their worthlessness. Still others only want to hear praise, but nothing that might suggest imperfection.

That's not the case for everyone, of course. Some people are willing to accept feedback and seek it out, even if it is sometimes disturbing, because they believe they can grow from it. It comes down to whether you believe feedback will harm you or benefit you.

This is not to say that we should always have to accept feedback or the manner in which it is sometimes given. We all have the right to refuse feedback, and we can expect feedback to be given in a respectful and supportive manner. But for every positive and open way of accepting feedback, there's an opposite; a negative and closed manner which pushes feedback away and keeps it at bay.

Negative/Closed Style

• Defensive: defends personal actions, frequently objects to feedback given.
• Attacking: verbally attacks the feedback giver, and turns the table.
• Denies: refutes the accuracy or fairness of the feedback.
• Disrespectful: devalues the speaker, what the speaker is saying, or the speaker's right to give feedback.
• Closed: ignores the feedback, listening blankly without interest.
• Inactive listening: makes no attempt to "hear" or understand the meaning of the feedback.
• Rationalizing: finds explanations for the feedback that dissolve any personal responsibility.
• Patronizing: listens, but shows little interest.
• Superficial: listens and agrees, but gives the impression that the feedback will have little actual effect.

Positive/Open Style

• Open: listens without frequent interruption or objections.
• Responsive: willing to hear what's being said without turning the table.
• Accepting: accepts the feedback, without denial.
• Respectful: recognizes the value of what is being said and the speaker's right to say it.
• Engaged: interacts appropriately with the speaker, asking for clarification when needed.
• Active listening: listens carefully and tries to understand the meaning of the feedback.
• Thoughtful: tries to understand the personal behavior that has led to the feedback.
• Interested: is genuinely interested in getting feedback.
• Sincere: genuinely wants to make personal changes if appropriate.

How tough is it for you to receive Corrective Feedback?  Do you need to work on receiving better?

adapted from:Phil Rich, Ed.D., MSW, DCSW author and Clinical Director of the Stetson School.

Turn Your Squabbles Around in 10 Seconds or Less

You are in a disagreement with your loved one. No matter what either of you say, it’s not getting better the fight is escalating. What if in the middle of your tiff you held up a card that said;


“Talk to me like I’m someone you love.”

That’s the idea behind a book Talk to Me Like I’m Someone You Love, by therapist Nancy Dreyfus. She also designed flash cards with phrases to stop any fight. You simply hold up the card that expresses what you are feeling.

These small gestures can speak a thousand words and are especially helpful for couples who tend to bicker.

Nancy says it very well: “I created Talk to Me Like I’m Someone You Love for couples to transform unproductive, mean or just plain crummy interactions into moments of connection.”

While this book is intended largely for adult intimate relationships, this message is so on-point, wholesome and reparative; I strongly recommend showing it to just about anyone who is old enough to read it.

The book and flash cards may be just what you need to change the direction of your conversations.

Lost That Lovin' Feeling? - There's hope you can bring it back and learn to love your partner again

Is your marriage a mess?
Don’t despair. Research shows us we can learn to love our partners again after we think we’ve fallen out of love. And that couples that stick it out end up being happy in the long run,” says Dr. Scott Haltzman, clinical assistant professor at Brown University department of Psychiatry and Human Behavior.

But you have to put the work in. Sticking it out can be tough –- especially when there’s often a lack of relationship skills to boost staying power.

And it doesn’t help that marriage is injected with the hopes and aspirations promoted by Hollywood, and expectations are so high as to what marriage will bring - or what it will not bring, like arguments. People often view their marriages as failing when, in all probability, they are quite normal. I mean, Love is never having to say I’m sorry. Give me a break! I must say it once a week -- on a good week.

So take hope. If your relationship is taking a beating, maybe your expectations are too high. People expect their partner to make them happy, but don’t do what’s needed to nurture their relationships themselves.

Tips to make your relationship work

Need a relationship rescue? Well, here are five essential ingredients for making it work:

1. Empathy: the ability to see things through your partner’s perspective. So many arguments start from hurt feelings, and the belief that your partner’s actions were intended, either by ignorance or by intent, to harm you. But if you stop for a moment and try to see how they might see things, and what motivated them to do the things they do, then you’d feel less contemptuous, and more understanding.
2. Listening: Most people listen long enough to hear what they think is what their partner wants to say, and then jump in with an answer. That’s not listening! That’s debating.
   
   When there’s disagreement or conflict, talking is less about sharing ideas as it is being able to feel heard about whatever problem may be interfering with the happiness of the person who is speaking. Men in particular in inclined to want to jump in and fix the problem - but real listening doesn’t require an answer; it requires acknowledgment and the ability to make the person feel heard.
3. Putting your partner first: When we dated all we could think about was the things that we could do to make our partner happy - That shouldn’t change when you get married. Putting your partner’s needs first can bring both of you happiness.
4. Excitement: Studies show us that we bond better when we share new and exciting experiences. Doing the same ol’ same ol’ generates boredom in marriages, and lowers feeling of love. For people who choose commitment, they have to learn to spice up their marriage with different activities and interests.” It’s worth the effort.
5. Patience: You’re both gonna mess up! Marriage requires a life change for newlywed couples, but that change doesn’t come all at once. Even along the way, one or another partner will make a mistake. Don’t expect change to come over night.