The Fourteen Dating Traps

A “dating trap” is an unconscious relationship choice that results in an unsolvable problem in a relationship. Getting out of the trap often means leaving the relationship. When you are single, you can do a lot more than you realize to avoid these traps and prepare for a successful and lasting relationship.

1. Marketing Trap -You believe that you need to make yourself more appealing to attract and “sell” yourself with an attractive packaging and presentation. When you fall into the Marketing Trap, you fear that no body wants you as you really are. By “marketing” yourself, you risk disappointment and relationship failure. So, when the excitement and promise of the “sizzle” conflicts with the reality of the “steak,”one or both of you are left feeling disappointed and angry.
2. Packaging Trap - You focus on the outside packaging -such as someone’s body, looks, job, wealth, material possessions - and overlook the reality of the person inside. The Packaging Trap is the opposite of the Marketing Trap: instead of seeking to sell yourself with attractive packaging, you focus on the packaging of others.
3. Scarcity Trap -You believe there is a limited supply of possible partners and therefore think that you have to take what you can get or be alone. The Scarcity Trap results in relationship failure because there is a temptation to settle for less: you believe you can’t get what you really want because there is not enough to go around. Unfortunately, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy because when you expect less, you get less.
4. Compatibility Trap - Assuming that if you have fun together and get along well, you are compatible and a committed relationship will work. Results in relationship failure when discovering the vast difference between afun-focused, recreational “dating” relationship and a serious long-term committed relationship.Being so different, the process and criteria for choosing a recreational relationship needs to be very different from choosing a Life Partner.
5. Fairytale Trap -Passively expecting your ideal partner to magically appear and live happily ever after without effort on your part. Believing that finding your soul mate will just “happen.” Results in disappointment when the frogs that happen to jump into your life don’t become princes.
6. Date-To-Mate Trap - Becoming an “instant couple” as if giving each person you date an extended test drive. Believing that if you develop an exclusive relationship with someone you are dating, a successful committed relationship will eventually happen. Other terms for this are “Serial Monogamy” and the “Mini-Marriage.” This approach is costly use of time and emotional energy. The inertia in this trap is pressure to make the relationship work, attempt to solve unsolvable problems and fit the round peg in the square hole because breaking up and being single again is an undesired outcome.
7. Attraction Trap -Making relationship choices based on feelings of attraction. Interpreting a strong attraction to someone as a sign that the relationship is a good choice and “meant to be.” This approach results in relationship failure when unsolvable problems surface because you ignored the red flags while infatuated. Unconscious choices usually result in repeating unproductive past patterns. Attraction is like the radar that helps you find your target. But the Attraction Trap is blindly following this radar.
8. Love Trap -Interpreting infatuation, attraction, need, good sex and/or attachment as Love. “If it feels good, it must be Love.” “Love is all you need.” “Love conquers all.” You feel so in love that you believe it must be a good relationship. After the initial infatuation is gone; you spend the rest of your time together trying to get it back.
9. Sex Trap -Focusing on the chemistry under the covers by interpreting sex as love, using sex as a kind of “compatibility test” (if the sex is good the relationship will be good as well), or becoming emotionally attached and considering yourself in a kind of committed relationship as soon as you have sex.
10. Rescue Trap -Hoping a relationship will solve your emotional and financial difficulties and bring you happiness and fulfillment, something like winning the lottery. You avoid taking responsibility for your life challenges, expecting to be rescued from them. Results in desperation, neediness and relationship failure when your problems multiply instead of disappear.
11. Co-Dependent Trap -You expect someone to love you and give you what you want by giving the other person what he/she wants. You attempt to earn love and happiness by acquiescing, giving and helping. You really want to be in a relationship. You feel that you are not worthy as you are and need to earn love. You pursue relationships hard because you feel incomplete when you’re not in one. You want to be the hero and therefore seek someone who wants to be helped. But you learn the hard way that although it feels good to be needed, someone who needs you is not necessarily able to give you what you want. Needing to be needed often results in unconsciously attracting and choosing a relationship with a person who needs you, but - as you later discover - is unable to give you what you want.
12. Entitlement Trap -Believing you deserve to be happy and get what you want in your life without effort or changes on your part. Results in relationship failure as your rely on your partner to bring happiness and fulfillment and inevitably experience disappointment. “If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got.”
13. Virtual Reality Trap - Getting involved in a relationship focusing on “potential,” hoping that some things that you really need to happen will get better or change over time. Results in seeing what you want to see and relationship failure when later reality doesn’t match.
14. Lone Ranger Trap -You live your single life focused on your goal of finding your life partner, believing that you don’t need anyone else in your life. You evaluate people you meet for their relationship potential and do not take the opportunity to cultivate new friends. Results in isolation, perception of scarcity of potential partners and risk of settling for less that what you really want because you don’t want to be alone.

provided by: The Relationship Coaching Institute

Principles for Conscious Dating Success

1. Know who you are and what you want - Endeavoring to partner when you don't know who you are or what you want is like trying to find the match to a pair of shoes you haven't seen yet.
2. Learn how to get what you want - Learn information, tools, and skills you will need to find your true love. Develop creative strategies and action plans. Don't leave things to chance.
3. Be the Chooser - Take initiative and responsibility for your outcomes. Don't react to what, or who, chooses you. Seek to create what you want in your life.
4. Balance your heart with your head- Make your relationship choices consciously. It's still exciting!
5. Be ready and available for commitment - Know the difference between dating for fun and dating for partnering. Complete business from any old relationships before dating seriously.
6. Use the Law Of Attraction - Become the kind of person you want to attract by developing yourself and living the life that you want. Do you have the traits you desire in a partner?
7. Gain relationship knowledge and skills - Prepare for the love of your life by learning how relationships work, improving your relationship skills, and deepening your relationships with your family, friends, and colleagues. Date for fun and practice. Take relationship classes and workshops. Get coaching.
8. Create a support community - Isolated singles become lonely in their relationships when they focus on a partner to meet all their social and emotional needs. Having a strong community of friends is the best indication that you are ready for serious dating.
9. Practice assertiveness - Ask for what you want and say no to what you don't want with equal zeal.
10. Be a Successful Single - Don't put your life on hold waiting for a relationship to happen. The best way to find your life partner is to be a happy, successful single person living the life that you really want.

Provided by: The Relationship Coaching Institute

Letting Go of Your Past Relationship

I can practically guarantee that, if you are continually frustrated in your efforts to meet someone new, after a failed relationship, that there are leftover feelings and ties that are stopping your progress. I have become convinced that in order to move ahead in your life you really have to leave behind what is behind.
Have you really let go of your past relationship? Find out by answering the following statements with either True or False.

• I think of my former love partner often.
• I fantasize about being with my former love partner.
• I talk about my former love partner often to others.
• I am angry with my former love partner.
• I still think my former partner and I will get back together.

• I become emotionally upset when I think about my former love partner.

If you answered True to at least one or more of the above statements then you may not have completely let go of your past relationship. You are carrying around some extra baggage that could get in the way of you starting a new relationship and moving forward in a more positive way. Unless you let what has passed truly be over, its ghost will continue to haunt you, and actually hamper the arrival of the wished-for new event. This process can actually go on for years. So if you truly want a new loving relationship and it is just not happening ask yourself what you have not let go of that might possibly be in the way. Here are several steps to help you achieve the "Let Go" process in your own life:

1. Ask yourself what you truly want and focus on it completely, with absolutely no reservations. Example: "I want to fall in love with the man of my dreams." Period. No qualifications, ifs, ands, or buts. Believe fully that nothing and nobody can stop you from having the good that is rightfully yours.
2. Completely and totally forgive yourself for all past mistakes, errors, mishaps, wrong doings, etc. This means that you acknowledge what you did (or what was done to you) and psychologically move on. Really believe that whatever has happened is over!!! Whenever past-oriented thinking (like regret or nostalgia) intrudes, banish it. Replace it with visualizing exactly what you want in the present. Know that whatever it is you want, you deserve and can have, as soon as you stop believing that the past can control your life. It can't, unless you let yourself stay there.
3. Lastly, believe that the letting go process can and will allow whatever you desire to manifest. Nothing is in its way but the past.

Give this a try. I would love hearing your experiences with it. Believe me, it works.

Are You Ready to Meet Your True Love?

Take the Relationship Readiness Quiz?

To assess your readiness for a committed relationship, rate yourself in each of the following ten areas. Try to be objective and honest with yourself.

Rating Scale: Rate each item on a scale from 0 to 10

8-10: Good; this area of my life is strong and would be an asset to my next relationship

5-7: OK; this area needs work, but most likely would not sabotage my next relationship

0-4: Needs Work; this area could interfere with the success of my next relationship

1. I know what I wantI have a clear vision for my relationship. I can envision my perfect relationship in rich detail that feels strong,very real and keeps me motivated.
2. I know my requirements. I have a written list of at least ten non-negotiable requirements that I use for screening potential partners. I am clear that if any are missing, a relationship will not work for me.
3. I am happy and successful being single. I enjoy my life, my work, my family, my friends and my own company. I am living the life that I want and I am not seeking a relationship out of desperation and need.
4. I am satisfied with my work/career. My work is fulfilling, supports my lifestyle and does not interfere with my availability to build a new relationship.
5. I am ready and available for commitment. I have no emotional or legal baggage from a previous relationship. My schedule, commitments and lifestyle allow my availability to build a new relationship.
6. I am healthy in mind, body and spirit. My physical, mental or emotional health does not interfere with having the life and relationship that I want. I am reasonably happy and feel good.
7. My financial and legal business is handled. I have no financial or legal issues that would interfere with having the life and the relationship I want.
8. My family relationships are functional. My relationship with my children, ex, siblings, parents and extended family do not interfere with having the life and relationship that I want.
9. I have effective dating skills. I initiate contact with people I want to meet and disengage from people who are not a match for me. I keep my physical and emotional boundaries and balance my heart with my head with potential partners.
10. I have effective relationship skills. I understand relationships, can maintain closeness and intimacy, communicate authentically and assertivelynegotiate differences positively, allow myself to trust and be vulnerable and can give and receive love withoutemotional barriers.

Score Results:

80 - 100: Green Light You are well on your way to the life and the relationship you really want. 50 - 79: Yellow Light Continue to work on the areas needed and take it slow in relationships whole doing so. 0 - 49: Red Light Take a break from seeking a partner, focus on your life and prepare for the relationship you really want

10 Ways To Increase Your Chances of Meeting Mr or Mrs Right

More people are single today than at any other time in history: Since 1960 the divorce rate has tripled, with over half the marriages ending in divorce. The overwhelming majority of single people desire a successful relationship and fear a failed one. The old ways of dating and partnering are clearly obsolete - they simply DON'T WORK!
By using the 10 principles below, singles become 'Conscious Daters' and have a much greater likelihood of meeting the person of their dreams.

1. Know who you are and what you want - Endeavoring to partner when you don't know who you are or what you want is like trying to find the match to a pair of shoes you haven't seen yet.
2. Learn how to get what you want - Learn information, tools, and skills you will need to find your true love. Develop creative strategies and action plans. Don't leave things to chance.
3. Be the Chooser - Take initiative and responsibility for your outcomes. Don't react to what, or who, chooses you. Seek to create what you want in your life
4. Balance your heart with your head- Make your relationship choices consciously. It's still exciting!
5. Be ready and available for commitment - Know the difference between dating for fun and dating for partnering. Complete business from any old relationships before dating seriously.
6. Use the Law Of Attraction - Become the kind of person you want to attract by developing yourself and living the life that you want. Do you have the traits you desire in a partner?
7. Gain relationship knowledge and skills - Prepare for the love of your life by learning how relationships work, improving your relationship skills, and deepening your relationships with your family, friends, and colleagues. Date for fun and practice. Take relationship classes and workshops. Get coaching.
8. Create a support community - Isolated singles become lonely in their relationships when they focus on a partner to meet all their social and emotional needs. Having a strong community of friends is the best indication that you are ready for serious dating.
9. Practice assertiveness - Ask for what you want and say no to what you don't want with equal zeal.
10. Be a Successful Single - Don't put your life on hold waiting for a relationship to happen. The best way to find your life partner is to be a happy, successful single person living the life that you really want.

adapted from the Relationship Coaching Institute

Planning For Your Perfect Relationship

Most of us seem to stumble into relationships and marriage, and then continue to sort of make it up as we go along. It's been my personal and coaching experience that relationships take much more conscious planning to be successful. I would say, "Most people don't plan to fail, they just fail to plan." Sadly, but true, most people spend more time planning for a one week vacation than they’ll ever do when it comes to their relationships.

By learning how to plan now, when you are single, for what you want most in a mate…

• You might not settle.
• You might not select the same type of person you have in the past.
• You might not sacrifice your vision or edit your dreams just so that you can slot yourself into someone else’s plan for life.
• You might not do a lot of things.

A relationship plan is basically a system that you define for you and your life. It’s based upon the vision for your life, your values, and what you want most in a mate. It’s about deeply understanding yourself and what makes you happy and then defining those things that you’re seeking in a relationship and with another person.

Planning your relationship vision, prioritizing your top values, and the top values you most treasure in a relationship takes time. Think about how much time people spend planning their wedding day – one single day out of a lifetime. Some people spend 6 months, a year, or even longer. And look at the outcome ~ a divorce rate that exceeds 50% for first marriages and even higher for the second and third ones. Imagine what might be possible if that time and energy would have been invested in gaining more self-awareness, getting to really know their partner, and planning a successful future together beyond the one day reserved for a marriage or commitment ceremony? If you want to have a successful relationship, try a better method; learn more about dating and relating so you can move in a new direction. It’s time to make some changes. The sooner you start, the faster you’ll be enjoying the life that you want and deserve. Get started, create your dating plan, and claim your success!

Are You In a Mini-Marriage?

The mini-marriage results from acting committed and being exclusive before you are ready for a committed relationship, or doing so with someone whom you don't consider a likely long-term partner choice. We have heard singles humorously refer to this relationship as 'the one-night stand that never left.' People who are not ready for commitment but are in exclusive relationships interfere with their ability to:

• Build the life they really want
• Become ready for the relationship they really want, and
• Attract the partner they really want

Mini-marriages are typically driven by need, fear, and unconsciousness:

• Need for companionship
• Fear of being alone
• Fear that you can't get what you really want
• Lack of awareness of your readiness status and of how to get your social and relationship needs met effectively.

This is like accepting your first job offer, not wanting to pass it up because you need a job, ignoring the red flags and crossing your fingers that it will work out.

Characteristics of a Mini-Marriage include:

• Purpose: to meet physical, social, emotional needs prior to a committed relationship or when commitment is not desired; sometimes to 'test drive' a relationship and see if it is a good long-term choice.
• Focus: meeting short-term needs, unclear about future of relationship
• One or both partners are unsure about the relationship or don't consider it to be a good long-term choice
• One or both partners are not ready for a committed relationship
• Exclusive, appears committed to the observer
• Typically early (even immediate) emotional and physical involvement with few boundaries
• Typically unconscious; partners are unaware of and don't discuss the above