Are You In a Mini-Marriage?

The mini-marriage results from acting committed and being exclusive before you are ready for a committed relationship, or doing so with someone whom you don't consider a likely long-term partner choice. We have heard singles humorously refer to this relationship as 'the one-night stand that never left.' People who are not ready for commitment but are in exclusive relationships interfere with their ability to:

• Build the life they really want
• Become ready for the relationship they really want, and
• Attract the partner they really want

Mini-marriages are typically driven by need, fear, and unconsciousness:

• Need for companionship
• Fear of being alone
• Fear that you can't get what you really want
• Lack of awareness of your readiness status and of how to get your social and relationship needs met effectively.

This is like accepting your first job offer, not wanting to pass it up because you need a job, ignoring the red flags and crossing your fingers that it will work out.

Characteristics of a Mini-Marriage include:

• Purpose: to meet physical, social, emotional needs prior to a committed relationship or when commitment is not desired; sometimes to 'test drive' a relationship and see if it is a good long-term choice.
• Focus: meeting short-term needs, unclear about future of relationship
• One or both partners are unsure about the relationship or don't consider it to be a good long-term choice
• One or both partners are not ready for a committed relationship
• Exclusive, appears committed to the observer
• Typically early (even immediate) emotional and physical involvement with few boundaries
• Typically unconscious; partners are unaware of and don't discuss the above

Is It Love or Infatuation?

So many of us become overwhelmed with strong feelings of passion and fascination that we find ourselves in dreadful relationships later. We'll marry in haste or wind up in abusive situations or simply in relationships that do not work out.

There is an emotion that can feel as strong as love (because it involves your hormones!), but it is not love -- it's infatuation. What is infatuation anyway? What's the difference between infatuation and real love? Infatuation is an emotion. Real love is deeper than just emotion. Emotions can't always be trusted. They will change as circumstances around you change. (For example: when you're sick, tired, stressed, fearful, etc.) Love is a commitment to the other person, whether the emotions are there or not.

• Infatuation is love at first sight - fireworks! -bells! Real love takes time. It's a growing experience based on shared interests, beliefs, and attitudes.
• Infatuation only takes. Love gives. Infatuation wants to know "What is in this for me?" Love says, "What can I do for you? How can I help make you a success? How can I meet your needs?"
• Infatuation is insecure. Infatuation gets jealous and unreasonable. Love doesn't. Infatuation fades with time, separation, or change. Love won't.
• Infatuation is fueled by passion and lust. Love runs on respect.
• Love is patient. When you really love someone, you accept them just as they are. Of course, you encourage them to grow, but you love and accept them unconditionally -- no strings attached. Real love allows you to be patient with weaknesses and flaws.
• Love is kind. Love is positive and lifts people up, never pulls them down. Love sees the needs of others, and does what it can to meet those needs. It's never harshly critical.
• Love is not jealous. Remember, love gives, it doesn't take. It wants to share time and attention with others. It allows the one you love the freedom to have other friends and interests apart from you. It's not possessive.
• Love is not boastful. It centers on the other person and not on yourself. If it brags about anything it brags about the one you love. Love keeps you from being full of yourself and keeps you humble. You are proud of your partner and not of yourself for snagging him or her. You realize that person is a gift from God, and not somebody you have earned.
• Love is not rude. Love respects others and shows them courtesy. It demands respect from other people toward the one you love.
• Love does not hold grudges. Love is able to forgive; it doesn't dwell on past failures.
• Love is willing to trust. When you really love someone, you'll believe in them, even when they cannot believe in themselves. Again, because there is no fear in love, you trust that person. You're able to give yourself completely to the relationship.
• Love expects the best. It will always give a person the benefit of the doubt. Real love is positive, not negative. It looks for the best and finds it.
• Love stands its ground in defending the other person. Love is protective (without being jealous), and will continue to love even when it's not returned. Now this is the real thing. If you love someone, you should see the evidence grow and mature over time. Infatuation cannot produce the actions and attitudes of love. No matter how intense the feelings, it's not really love.

Don’t Settle For Less Than You Want - Stay Single!

I don't have a boyfriend for a good reason: Settling just isn't an option.

I've settled for less than I really wanted way too many times in my life, and each time my awareness of just how much of myself I gave up to accept that "OK" relationship was painful.

Now, I'm not going to lie and say it wouldn't be nice to have a boyfriend. I want to fall in love, get married (again)—the whole fairy tale. And every once in a while, I panic, whine, and annoyingly ask my friends, "What if I never meet anyone? (Hey, even the best of us have our moments.) But after I calm down, and stop listening to all the garbage I am telling myself, I remind myself that I don’t need just ANY man in my life to be happy.

So, what's the secret? Simple. Require 100% and not settle for less. Learn to love yourself enough to powerfully go after 100% of what you really want and truly believe that it's possible. Be optimistic, learn from your past and revel in your freedom. I refuse to sacrifice all of the benefits of being single—that is, my happiness—for a guy who isn't worth it.

The Cure For The Valentine's Blues

With its emphasis on love and romance, Valentine’s Day can be a painful reminder that you don’t have that “someone special” with whom to celebrate it with. This year do something about it! Instead of feeling depressed, focus on what you have instead of what you don’t have. Being single is a great opportunity. You have love in your future, so look forward to it! Here are my top tips for singles on Valentine's Day:

1. Have Some Me Time - Valentine’s Day is a great excuse to celebrate YOU. Don’t be cynical just because you are not in a romantic relationship right now. Shower yourself with love, or spend time with someone who loves you unconditionally. - Book a day at the spa and pamper yourself - Indulge in some serious retail therapy – you deserve it! - Get a makeover. Maybe you need is a little bit of a revival? Plan for a new look. Get a haircut, style yourself anew, and change things up.
2. Share The Love - Do something special for a family member or a close friend. - Take grandma for lunch or a pedicure! - Bring your mom a beautiful bunch of flowers. - If you’re a single parent, take your child to a movie and end the evening with a surprise gift bag full of treats, balloons and a Valentine’s teddy bear. - Send your friends Valentine’s Day cards and express how much they mean to you. Share your heartfelt feelings about why you value their friendship. - Organize a dinner with other single friends, or plan a singles Valentine’s bash and go dancing.
3. Develop a ‘Relationship Plan’ -- Valentine’s Day can be the start of your New Year of Love! If you dream of being in a happy romantic relationship, realize it takes commitment, effort and planning. - Identify any ‘baggage’ that will hold you back from having the relationship you truly want. - What are the key areas of your life you need to change before you’ll be ready for a relationship? Perhaps it’s your financial situation, your health and fitness, your emotional or mental state or your work/career life. - Assess your relationship skills. Do you know your relationship deal-breakers? Are you clear about your values and life vision? Do you understand the pitfalls and dating traps that could lead you into the wrong relationship? If you need help, get it from a qualified relationship coach! - Have a positive attitude and be happy in your life and with yourself. Live your life as a successful single – don’t put your life on hold while you wait for your partner to show up.
4. Take Some Risks and Have Some Fun-- Extend your comfort zone to experience things you might not usually do. - Become more approachable – smile and engage in conversation with strangers wherever you are. You’ll be surprised at the positive response and at how good you will feel. Be open to recognizing the opportunities – say yes when you might want to say no. Of course use common sense and be safe! - Take the initiative, but keep it light. If you are interested in someone, invite them out. If making a Valentine's date seems awkward, plan it for the 13th or 15th. - Get involved in new activities; pursue your interests. You never know who you will meet on the way.

Celebrate being single -- this is a wonderful time in your life, so enjoy it and appreciate the great opportunity ahead of you to find your love match. It is your choice about how you approach and react to this special day. Make the most of it!!

Would You Like To Be A Date Magnet?

Recently, I overheard a group of attractive women talking about how they hadn’t been asked out on a date in months. This got me thinking about how this could be. As I continued to observe these ladies I noticed their attitude was one of “do not approach us!” Yikes!

If you walk into any bookstore and pick up any random title on interpersonal communication, the majority of the books will simply remind you to "always be approachable."

And it’s soooo true! You can’t approach, or be approached by other people unless you have the right attitude.

So, what you’re about to read is a collection of positive, attitude building affirmations developed by Scott Ginsberg, author of “Stick Your Self Out There’ that will help you self-talk your way to being an approachable date magnet.

The Approachability Affirmation

1. I am an approachable. I can both approach – and be approached by someone I am interested in.
2. I choose to maintain an approachable attitude. I believe that every encounter is one in which I can learn from.
3. I feel relaxed. When I engage with others they are put at ease and feel comfortable when talking with me.
4. I am confident. When I walk into a room, my smile, body language and appearance project happiness, enthusiasm and joy. I’m sure that wherever I go, I will meet new, cool people; I will learn new, cool stuff; and others will be glad they encountered me.
5. I am a great conversationalist. I ask intriguing, creative, thought provoking questions that give people permission to open up. I am skilled at starting, sustaining, transitioning and exiting conversations.
6. I am an even greater listener. I listen twice as much as I talk. I’m curious, not judgmental.
7. I am attractive. The opposite sex is magnetized to me because of my superior attitude, ability to make them smile and willingness to assure that they feel comfortable.
8. Shyness is not a problem for me. No matter what my friends, parents, teachers or the media say, I can easily and comfortably engage with others over the phone, via email or in person without apprehension.
9. I have learned to recognize that fear is outweighed by benefit. Although stepping out of my comfort zone might be tough at first, it’s always worth it in the end. And even if I look like an idiot; I know that it’s no big deal, and that I’m better because of it.

LET ME RECOMMEND THIS... I challenge you to read these to yourself every morning for a month. Just try it. See what happens. When you’re done to let me know if you’ve landed a date.

Visualize Your Ideal Relationship

If you’re looking for love in 2010, why not try visualizing your ideal relationship! Florence Scovel Shinn said, "Man can only receive what he sees himself receiving.” Think about that. You can do it! The answer lies with the power of visualization. Visualization is a technique used by everyone whether they are conscious of it or not. As a child, dressing up as a nurse, a school teacher or a doctor was a physical way of visualizing your future. The brain doesn’t know the difference between reality and fantasy. When you visualize something, your brain goes to work full time to achieve what it has seen. It makes the future seem clearer and it tells your brain that you can have it --because you've seen yourself have it successfully before. So how does it work? Visualization focuses on a dominant thought. Whenever you think of something, you create this energy that in turn attracts similar energies to you. Everything in your life, and every dream, started by a single thought. The more you focus on that thought, the more it will come true for you and create your new reality. But be aware that visualization works positively and negatively. This is why negative people always experience problems in their lives and relationships. This is where they visualize and focus their energy and they reap what they sow. The thoughts that you focus on are the ones that will eventually become your reality—choose wisely. Here are a few things you can do to hone your visualization skills:

1. Create mental pictures of your ideal relationship as if you have already achieved it. The most important part is to see things as vividly and in as much detail as you possibly can. Also remember that the more frequently the technique is practiced, the more vivid the visualizations will be and the more effective they can become.
2. What you see is what you get. Create a Vision Board Collage of images and words that represents your vision of your ideal mate. Look at your Vision Board daily to connect your heart and mind with your hearts’ desire.
3. Affirmations. It is difficult if not impossible to visualize an excellent relationship if your self talk is negative. The mind will believe what you tell it. It is important to combine visualization exercises with positive affirmations.

"Visualization may be the most underutilized success tool that you possess" claims Jack Canfield. I challenge you today to stop limiting yourself and look beyond the horizon of your mind. Focus on your desires of your ideal relationship and develop your ability to go beyond what your mind can currently envision. Do you use visualization? How is it working for you?

Top 10 Warning Signs That Your Relationship Is Over

I admit it! Staying in a bad realtionship WAY too long is something I have been guilty of. So, are you in a relationship that you are wondering whether you should leave or not? I believe your gut instinct will be the first sign that things are not going too great in your relationship; you will feel that something is just not right, that something has changed and it is not for the better. Perhaps these feelings will begin to show as anger or coldness, where as before you felt kindness and warmth towards your partner. These could be the first signs that something is amiss and the relationship is beginning to fail. There are other signs that could give you a clue as to if the relationship is doomed. Some of the most common signs include:

1. You’re always arguing - If before you agreed on almost anything but now you are constantly disagreeing and arguing then this could be a sign that things are taking a turn for the worse in your relationship. This could be more so if your partner is now forever finding faults and bickering about the smallest of things and disagreeing purely for no good reason.
2. A decrease in passion - If you previously enjoyed a good sex life with your partner and this drops off for no apparent reason then this could be a sign something is not right. While some waning is only natural over a period of time but if your partner resists your advances continually over a period of time then this could be a warning sign.
3. Avoiding one another - Of course you cant always be together but if you were close before and spent a lot of time in each others company talking, holding hands or cuddling and this begins to drop off to the extent where you are now avoiding each other this is a big sign that you are no longer enjoying each others company and a warning sign of impending doom.
4. Jealously - If your partner suddenly starts flirting with the clear intention of making you jealous then this should be regarded as a warning sign. Your partner could be feeling insecure and is looking for more attention or it could be a sign that they are genuinely trying to attract someone new and is losing affection for you.
5. Using family members - If your partner begins to use family members such as children against you then this could spell danger in a relationship, bringing family members into it can cause nothing but disharmony and will drive a wedge between any relationships.
6. Growing dependency -If your partner suddenly shows a growing dependency on you then this could be a problem - it could mean that they realize something is wrong between the two of you and are clutching to you.
7. Anxiety or depression - If your partner is suddenly anxious or gets depressed then this could spell trouble. It may mean that they have unresolved issues, and unless there is clear reason as to why, it could mean your relationship is the main problem.
8. Expecting change - If your partner suddenly wants you to change then this could be a sign something is amiss. This could be an indication they aren’t happy with the way things are and things are going downhill.
9. Spending more time at work - If your partner suddenly starts spending more time at work or out with friends than they are with you then this is a big sign that something is wrong.
10. Being secretive - If your partner starts becoming secretive then this is another warning sign. If they tend to hide things from you such as mobile phones, letters or start spending a lot of time online then they could have found a new love in their life.