FOR A DATING LIFE THAT’S FREE FROM DISASTER - GET YOUR DATING INSURANCE PACKAGE

If you want a dating life that's free from disaster, you need to invest in a little insurance. As hurricane victims know, it does no good to buy insurance after the storm has wreaked everything.

Here's 3 ways to get your own dating insurance package together:

1. Be ready. Some folks approach life as if they were jumping into a cold body of water: They squeeze their eyes shut, hold their nose and jump. Who knows if they know how to swim? It's far better to go into dating with your eyes open and your senses sharp. Take some time and review your current situation. What needs attention? Your physical self? Your surroundings? Your fears? Your career? Your relationship skills? Taking care of yourself first will help ensure your future success in love.

2. Get a life. Nothing is more unattractive than someone with nothing to offer. While having space in your life for a partner is important, too much space will seem overwhelming to another. It's not up to a future partner to give you the life you haven't made for yourself. Get out and get active!

3.Enhance your good luck. Many singles are so discouraged about the process of finding love that they can't help but feel unlucky. And most folks feel that there is little they can do to influence Lady Luck. But research has found that is not so. What you think about comes about - good -- or bad. Taking steps to be the kind of person you want to attract will help you find the best of the best. Above all, expect good fortune in your life. What have you got to lose? More bad luck?

If you are still not sure of your ability to adequately insure yourself from dating failure, why not take advantage of my experience? I want you to get what you say you want: love!

Different relationship - same problems?! What you can do to get out of this rut

Are you baffled that you keep finding yourself having the same type of relationship problems, over and over again, with different partners? For some unknown reason, does every partner not quite have what it takes to give you the love you truly desire? Does every relationship ultimately ends up in the same stale place, missing something essential, or repeating a unhealthy pattern of distance, unavailability, neglect or even abuse?

The lesson is that nothing will change in our lives until we change from the inside out. Our lives are a perpetual treadmill of opportunities for learning, constantly coming our way, again and again, until we heed the call and shift our attitudes, perceptions, feelings and/or behavior. So if you feel stuck on an endless treadmill of unfulfilled relationships, or no relationships at all, look inside for the answers.

Who and what are you attracting into your life? What gratification do you get from reliving these behaviors and feelings over and over again? What needs to shift inside of you before you start getting a different result? What lesson have you not learned yet? What keeps coming up again and again in every relationship, or every attempt at trying to start a relationship? What is the universe trying so hard to tell you, that you just don't understand?

Whenever we get stuck in patterns that we don’t like or that are unhealthy for us, we have to learn how to break the cycle. As the old saying goes, “If you don’t learn from history you will repeat it.” Since we cannot change someone else’s behavior, we must examine our own patterns in picking the wrong person. In doing this, we can begin to conceptualize healthy relationships and hold that as our new standard.

Unhealthy Relationships:
1. We mistake love for physical attraction, neediness and the need to rescue or be rescued. (Examine how your desperation effects your perception)
2. We choose emotionally and physically unavailable people in relationships. (Examine your fear of intimacy)
3. We pick people who treat us poorly by being punishing, critical, controlling or demeaning. (Examine your low self-esteem.)
4. We lose interest in our own personal interests and activities and become enmeshed with the one person and their interests. (Examine your boundaries.)
5. We stay in and return to unhealthy relationships. (Examine your fear of loneliness.)
6. We begin sexual relationships or become emotionally attached without really knowing someone. (Examine your boundaries.)
7. We fantasize about who we think someone is and then are crushed when they fall short of that fantasy. (Examine what is reality vs. fantasy)

Healthy Relationships:
1. When something is wrong we can talk about it.
2. We encourage each other to be better people.
3. Having separate interests and friends isn’t a threat.
4. We can be vulnerable about feelings with some degree of safety.
5. We can handle difficult situations as a team.
6. We both are dedicated to spending quality time with each other.
7. Trust builds through our growing capacity to be honest with one another.

Many of us cannot see our own blind spots in relationships, and need the guidance of others to help us through the darkness. Fortunately, when we are ready to learn, to listen, and to discover the truth about ourselves and our relationships, we have many more options than trial and error.

Do You Have A List of Relationship Non-Negotiables (DEAL BREAKERS)?

You're in a new relationship, and you're starting to see some red flags, warning you that the relationship may not be a sure thing, but does that mean you should leave? How many red flags does it take to make that decision? How do you know if the red flags mean future disaster, or are just a warning? These are tough questions to answer. But if you've identified your red flags, you can begin to get clear about staying or leaving by looking at your negotiables and non-negotiables.

These are the patterns of behavior in the relationship that either you can deal with (negotiable) or you can't (non-negotiable). A negotiable item does not go against your integrity, but a non-negotiable does. For example, if you value honesty in your relationships, and your partner is continually lying to you, that is a non-negotiable. How could you really have a healthy relationship with someone whose very behavior goes against the essence of who you are? If you compromise on this behavior by deciding that sometimes lying is okay, you are cutting into the deepest part of your psyche. Non-negotiables are those issues that you will not compromise on because it goes deeply against your values.

Negotiables are not deal breakers and are those issues that don't cut as deeply. For instance, maybe your partner is messy and you value neatness. However, messiness doesn't cut into your integrity and though it may never change, you could live with it and not feel you've compromised your very essence. It is important to know your negotiables and non-negotiables. That way, you can decipher which of these two categories the red flags fall into.

If in your current relationship most of the red flags are non-negotiables, it will be nearly impossible to have a loving relationship for more than 2-3 months. Our integrity can only be compromised for a short period of time - the honeymoon phase - before we get angry and resentful of our partner.

Use these 3 tips to help you identify your negotiables and non-negotiables:
1. Make a list of issues you know you can compromise on ~ "She's late all the time, but I can live with that."
2. Make a list of issues that you know you can't compromise on. "He says he's going to call me and either doesn't or calls much later than planned. He always has an excuse, and I want someone who keeps their word. I can't see living with this much inconsistency."
3. If you're not sure which category your red flags falls under, ask yourself this question: If this behavior never changed, could I live with it? You have to assume it may never change and that alone should help you determine if it's a negotiable or non-negotiable.

If you know your non-negotiables, there's still the issue of infatuation/love/passion/fantasy that clouds our judgment and overrides our good senses. Sometimes we ignore the signs of disaster and plunge forward anyway. That's just called being human, so don't beat yourself up if this happens. Nevertheless, knowing your negotiables and non-negotiables is important because when the fantasy dies down and you're wondering what happened, you can look at your list as a reminder. This will help you pull back, reevaluate, and have a clearer sense of what to do. The negotiables and non-negotiables are exactly the framework and boundaries needed when trying to decide to stay or leave. It doesn't matter how long you've been involved, the negotiables and non-negotiables are always there to remind us of who we are, what we want, and what we don't want.

Adopted from: Relationship and Conflict Resolution Expert, Sharon M. Rivkin, M.A., M.F.T.,

Compromise Isn’t For Dating

All relationships are clearly not meant to be. Only a few really deserve your time and your efforts. Sometimes we have clouded judgment and fail to recognize warning signs that are clearly apparent. Everyone deserves to love and be loved in a relationship. You should only invest your time with those people who respect you and will treat you well. Yet, sometimes we may overlook some of the warning signs that may save us much heart ache in the end.

When you meet someone you find appealing, always keep in mind that chemistry is simply one element in your assessment process to help determine whether they are partner material. Remember you are the “chooser.” Bring reason into the equation. Take things slow and steady. A relationship is not a race, and indeed running this race too quickly may mean starting all over again because you didn’t take the necessary time to thoroughly screen your partner. Many singles are all too eager to compromise once they meet a potential partner. They think “S/he has MOST of the qualities I am looking for…am I being too picky?

If you're the one trying to work on the relationship - if you are the one that has to maintain the contact, apologize, and keep the relationship going, you are working too hard. Relationships are two way streets; both parties need to be involved. If you are involved with someone who can't pick up the phone, send an email, or come and see you, move on. The other person isn't interested in you enough to make the effort.

Your ideal partner is your equal and should not be idealized or put on a pedestal. You deserve an amazing mate. Don’t forget it. And don’t forget how amazing you are, with all you have to offer a partner.

taken in part from Conscious Dating, Relationship Readiness Workbook. The Relationship Coaching Institute

The Fourteen Dating Traps

A “dating trap” is an unconscious relationship choice that results in an unsolvable problem in a relationship. Getting out of the trap often means leaving the relationship. When you are single, you can do a lot more than you realize to avoid these traps and prepare for a successful and lasting relationship.

1. Marketing Trap -You believe that you need to make yourself more appealing to attract and “sell” yourself with an attractive packaging and presentation. When you fall into the Marketing Trap, you fear that no body wants you as you really are. By “marketing” yourself, you risk disappointment and relationship failure. So, when the excitement and promise of the “sizzle” conflicts with the reality of the “steak,”one or both of you are left feeling disappointed and angry.
2. Packaging Trap - You focus on the outside packaging -such as someone’s body, looks, job, wealth, material possessions - and overlook the reality of the person inside. The Packaging Trap is the opposite of the Marketing Trap: instead of seeking to sell yourself with attractive packaging, you focus on the packaging of others.
3. Scarcity Trap -You believe there is a limited supply of possible partners and therefore think that you have to take what you can get or be alone. The Scarcity Trap results in relationship failure because there is a temptation to settle for less: you believe you can’t get what you really want because there is not enough to go around. Unfortunately, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy because when you expect less, you get less.
4. Compatibility Trap - Assuming that if you have fun together and get along well, you are compatible and a committed relationship will work. Results in relationship failure when discovering the vast difference between afun-focused, recreational “dating” relationship and a serious long-term committed relationship.Being so different, the process and criteria for choosing a recreational relationship needs to be very different from choosing a Life Partner.
5. Fairytale Trap -Passively expecting your ideal partner to magically appear and live happily ever after without effort on your part. Believing that finding your soul mate will just “happen.” Results in disappointment when the frogs that happen to jump into your life don’t become princes.
6. Date-To-Mate Trap - Becoming an “instant couple” as if giving each person you date an extended test drive. Believing that if you develop an exclusive relationship with someone you are dating, a successful committed relationship will eventually happen. Other terms for this are “Serial Monogamy” and the “Mini-Marriage.” This approach is costly use of time and emotional energy. The inertia in this trap is pressure to make the relationship work, attempt to solve unsolvable problems and fit the round peg in the square hole because breaking up and being single again is an undesired outcome.
7. Attraction Trap -Making relationship choices based on feelings of attraction. Interpreting a strong attraction to someone as a sign that the relationship is a good choice and “meant to be.” This approach results in relationship failure when unsolvable problems surface because you ignored the red flags while infatuated. Unconscious choices usually result in repeating unproductive past patterns. Attraction is like the radar that helps you find your target. But the Attraction Trap is blindly following this radar.
8. Love Trap -Interpreting infatuation, attraction, need, good sex and/or attachment as Love. “If it feels good, it must be Love.” “Love is all you need.” “Love conquers all.” You feel so in love that you believe it must be a good relationship. After the initial infatuation is gone; you spend the rest of your time together trying to get it back.
9. Sex Trap -Focusing on the chemistry under the covers by interpreting sex as love, using sex as a kind of “compatibility test” (if the sex is good the relationship will be good as well), or becoming emotionally attached and considering yourself in a kind of committed relationship as soon as you have sex.
10. Rescue Trap -Hoping a relationship will solve your emotional and financial difficulties and bring you happiness and fulfillment, something like winning the lottery. You avoid taking responsibility for your life challenges, expecting to be rescued from them. Results in desperation, neediness and relationship failure when your problems multiply instead of disappear.
11. Co-Dependent Trap -You expect someone to love you and give you what you want by giving the other person what he/she wants. You attempt to earn love and happiness by acquiescing, giving and helping. You really want to be in a relationship. You feel that you are not worthy as you are and need to earn love. You pursue relationships hard because you feel incomplete when you’re not in one. You want to be the hero and therefore seek someone who wants to be helped. But you learn the hard way that although it feels good to be needed, someone who needs you is not necessarily able to give you what you want. Needing to be needed often results in unconsciously attracting and choosing a relationship with a person who needs you, but - as you later discover - is unable to give you what you want.
12. Entitlement Trap -Believing you deserve to be happy and get what you want in your life without effort or changes on your part. Results in relationship failure as your rely on your partner to bring happiness and fulfillment and inevitably experience disappointment. “If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got.”
13. Virtual Reality Trap - Getting involved in a relationship focusing on “potential,” hoping that some things that you really need to happen will get better or change over time. Results in seeing what you want to see and relationship failure when later reality doesn’t match.
14. Lone Ranger Trap -You live your single life focused on your goal of finding your life partner, believing that you don’t need anyone else in your life. You evaluate people you meet for their relationship potential and do not take the opportunity to cultivate new friends. Results in isolation, perception of scarcity of potential partners and risk of settling for less that what you really want because you don’t want to be alone.

provided by: The Relationship Coaching Institute

Principles for Conscious Dating Success

1. Know who you are and what you want - Endeavoring to partner when you don't know who you are or what you want is like trying to find the match to a pair of shoes you haven't seen yet.
2. Learn how to get what you want - Learn information, tools, and skills you will need to find your true love. Develop creative strategies and action plans. Don't leave things to chance.
3. Be the Chooser - Take initiative and responsibility for your outcomes. Don't react to what, or who, chooses you. Seek to create what you want in your life.
4. Balance your heart with your head- Make your relationship choices consciously. It's still exciting!
5. Be ready and available for commitment - Know the difference between dating for fun and dating for partnering. Complete business from any old relationships before dating seriously.
6. Use the Law Of Attraction - Become the kind of person you want to attract by developing yourself and living the life that you want. Do you have the traits you desire in a partner?
7. Gain relationship knowledge and skills - Prepare for the love of your life by learning how relationships work, improving your relationship skills, and deepening your relationships with your family, friends, and colleagues. Date for fun and practice. Take relationship classes and workshops. Get coaching.
8. Create a support community - Isolated singles become lonely in their relationships when they focus on a partner to meet all their social and emotional needs. Having a strong community of friends is the best indication that you are ready for serious dating.
9. Practice assertiveness - Ask for what you want and say no to what you don't want with equal zeal.
10. Be a Successful Single - Don't put your life on hold waiting for a relationship to happen. The best way to find your life partner is to be a happy, successful single person living the life that you really want.

Provided by: The Relationship Coaching Institute

Letting Go of Your Past Relationship

I can practically guarantee that, if you are continually frustrated in your efforts to meet someone new, after a failed relationship, that there are leftover feelings and ties that are stopping your progress. I have become convinced that in order to move ahead in your life you really have to leave behind what is behind.
Have you really let go of your past relationship? Find out by answering the following statements with either True or False.

• I think of my former love partner often.
• I fantasize about being with my former love partner.
• I talk about my former love partner often to others.
• I am angry with my former love partner.
• I still think my former partner and I will get back together.

• I become emotionally upset when I think about my former love partner.

If you answered True to at least one or more of the above statements then you may not have completely let go of your past relationship. You are carrying around some extra baggage that could get in the way of you starting a new relationship and moving forward in a more positive way. Unless you let what has passed truly be over, its ghost will continue to haunt you, and actually hamper the arrival of the wished-for new event. This process can actually go on for years. So if you truly want a new loving relationship and it is just not happening ask yourself what you have not let go of that might possibly be in the way. Here are several steps to help you achieve the "Let Go" process in your own life:

1. Ask yourself what you truly want and focus on it completely, with absolutely no reservations. Example: "I want to fall in love with the man of my dreams." Period. No qualifications, ifs, ands, or buts. Believe fully that nothing and nobody can stop you from having the good that is rightfully yours.
2. Completely and totally forgive yourself for all past mistakes, errors, mishaps, wrong doings, etc. This means that you acknowledge what you did (or what was done to you) and psychologically move on. Really believe that whatever has happened is over!!! Whenever past-oriented thinking (like regret or nostalgia) intrudes, banish it. Replace it with visualizing exactly what you want in the present. Know that whatever it is you want, you deserve and can have, as soon as you stop believing that the past can control your life. It can't, unless you let yourself stay there.
3. Lastly, believe that the letting go process can and will allow whatever you desire to manifest. Nothing is in its way but the past.

Give this a try. I would love hearing your experiences with it. Believe me, it works.