Do You Have A List of Relationship Non-Negotiables (DEAL BREAKERS)?

You're in a new relationship, and you're starting to see some red flags, warning you that the relationship may not be a sure thing, but does that mean you should leave? How many red flags does it take to make that decision? How do you know if the red flags mean future disaster, or are just a warning? These are tough questions to answer. But if you've identified your red flags, you can begin to get clear about staying or leaving by looking at your negotiables and non-negotiables.

These are the patterns of behavior in the relationship that either you can deal with (negotiable) or you can't (non-negotiable). A negotiable item does not go against your integrity, but a non-negotiable does. For example, if you value honesty in your relationships, and your partner is continually lying to you, that is a non-negotiable. How could you really have a healthy relationship with someone whose very behavior goes against the essence of who you are? If you compromise on this behavior by deciding that sometimes lying is okay, you are cutting into the deepest part of your psyche. Non-negotiables are those issues that you will not compromise on because it goes deeply against your values.

Negotiables are not deal breakers and are those issues that don't cut as deeply. For instance, maybe your partner is messy and you value neatness. However, messiness doesn't cut into your integrity and though it may never change, you could live with it and not feel you've compromised your very essence. It is important to know your negotiables and non-negotiables. That way, you can decipher which of these two categories the red flags fall into.

If in your current relationship most of the red flags are non-negotiables, it will be nearly impossible to have a loving relationship for more than 2-3 months. Our integrity can only be compromised for a short period of time - the honeymoon phase - before we get angry and resentful of our partner.

Use these 3 tips to help you identify your negotiables and non-negotiables:
1. Make a list of issues you know you can compromise on ~ "She's late all the time, but I can live with that."
2. Make a list of issues that you know you can't compromise on. "He says he's going to call me and either doesn't or calls much later than planned. He always has an excuse, and I want someone who keeps their word. I can't see living with this much inconsistency."
3. If you're not sure which category your red flags falls under, ask yourself this question: If this behavior never changed, could I live with it? You have to assume it may never change and that alone should help you determine if it's a negotiable or non-negotiable.

If you know your non-negotiables, there's still the issue of infatuation/love/passion/fantasy that clouds our judgment and overrides our good senses. Sometimes we ignore the signs of disaster and plunge forward anyway. That's just called being human, so don't beat yourself up if this happens. Nevertheless, knowing your negotiables and non-negotiables is important because when the fantasy dies down and you're wondering what happened, you can look at your list as a reminder. This will help you pull back, reevaluate, and have a clearer sense of what to do. The negotiables and non-negotiables are exactly the framework and boundaries needed when trying to decide to stay or leave. It doesn't matter how long you've been involved, the negotiables and non-negotiables are always there to remind us of who we are, what we want, and what we don't want.

Adopted from: Relationship and Conflict Resolution Expert, Sharon M. Rivkin, M.A., M.F.T.,

Compromise Isn’t For Dating

All relationships are clearly not meant to be. Only a few really deserve your time and your efforts. Sometimes we have clouded judgment and fail to recognize warning signs that are clearly apparent. Everyone deserves to love and be loved in a relationship. You should only invest your time with those people who respect you and will treat you well. Yet, sometimes we may overlook some of the warning signs that may save us much heart ache in the end.

When you meet someone you find appealing, always keep in mind that chemistry is simply one element in your assessment process to help determine whether they are partner material. Remember you are the “chooser.” Bring reason into the equation. Take things slow and steady. A relationship is not a race, and indeed running this race too quickly may mean starting all over again because you didn’t take the necessary time to thoroughly screen your partner. Many singles are all too eager to compromise once they meet a potential partner. They think “S/he has MOST of the qualities I am looking for…am I being too picky?

If you're the one trying to work on the relationship - if you are the one that has to maintain the contact, apologize, and keep the relationship going, you are working too hard. Relationships are two way streets; both parties need to be involved. If you are involved with someone who can't pick up the phone, send an email, or come and see you, move on. The other person isn't interested in you enough to make the effort.

Your ideal partner is your equal and should not be idealized or put on a pedestal. You deserve an amazing mate. Don’t forget it. And don’t forget how amazing you are, with all you have to offer a partner.

taken in part from Conscious Dating, Relationship Readiness Workbook. The Relationship Coaching Institute